Mazel & Mishagoss: I Feel 100% Perfect! – Said No Jew Ever!

By Stephanie Lewis

This is long overdue. I’ve finally compiled a list of phrases I never hear Jewish people utter. Note: There is no order to these, so don’t think it’s the frequency in which I never hear them.

1. Enough with the Jewish girls! Where’s that nice shiksa you went to prom with? 
2. Please don’t call to inform me your plane landed safely, I’ll be sound asleep.
3. (These two are a tie!) a) I’m too full from dinner to order the chocolate rugelach b) The portions here are much too large.
4. (Another tie!) a) Today’s weather was ideal! B) Leave your sweater at home!  
5. I guess this is just my cross to bear.
6. Sorry I can’t offer you anything because the cupboards and pantry are completely bare. 
7. You got into medical school? Think of the shame you’ll bring upon your family!
8. What in the world are we gonna do with all these leftovers?
9. I’d like you to meet my son … the bus driver! 
10. (On a phone.) a) Hi! Grab a loaf of Wonder bread while you’re in the bakery section, b) And don’t embarrass yourself by asking for a discount.
11. Please leave the soup at our table as it’s precisely the right temperature.
12. The volume of your voice is so low. Could you speak MUCH louder?
13. There’s no crisis. We’ll wait as long as it takes for the doctor to see us. 
14. Think carefully about bringing children into this world and making me a grandparent.
15. Look! We’ve arrived early for the wedding. The bride’s still taking photos.
16. I just did a hard workout at the gym so … (Anything could follow this – doesn’t matter.)
17. My sister-in-law’s brisket is so moist and tasty. 
18. The woman engaged to my son is too good for him — he doesn’t deserve her.
19. Handyman Shmandyman! My husband can fix everything! 
20. Forget ‘Jacob’ or ‘Sarah.’ If you have a boy, name him after Papa Christopher, and if it’s a girl, honor your great aunt Trinity.
21. My recipe won … I was crowned Miss Baby Back at the annual pork rib festival!
22. Oy, I’m just a tired, old Bubbie, so please don’t break your neck shlepping over here. You have the rest of your lives to visit me. (Okay, this phrase actually IS spoken by everyone’s grandmother, but it’s meant as reverse psychology for guilt!
23. Ma, why can’t you be more like Yenta in Fiddler on the Roof and take an interest in my love life?
24. (Again a tie!) a) It’s not about getting good grades, it’s about enjoying school sports. b) Relax! Homework can wait. Don’t neglect your iPhone.
25. Tonight my wife stumbled upon thawed chicken and all the ingredients for a kugel in our fridge. Why would she make reservations when she can make dinner?!

Wondering how I can be certain Jews never say these things? I’ll tell you. Because I’ve never said this: “I’m not eavesdropping. The hostess just happened to seat me very close to your table!” That’s right, if you see a quirky 80’s-haired woman leaning toward you in D.Z. Akins, (Or lurking under your kitchen window!) feel free to suggest topics for the next L’Chaim humor column. Cuz that’ll be me!

Stephanie D. Lewis appears in the Huffington Post comedy section and will make stuff funny for you too if you contact her at thequotegal@yahoo.com