April 2015

My Comic Relief


canstockphoto19452354By Salomon Maya


As I was getting ready for work today, I noticed I had numerous updates available on my iPhone. As I was waiting for all of the apps to refresh, I started perusing the AppStore, and found the brand new Kim Kardashian game by Glu Games. Now, I have not (and will not) indulge in the reality show, so I truly only know Mrs. Kardashian-West in name/image alone. So I decided to download this game just to see how this “starlette” (and I use that title lightly) is trying to market herself.

As soon as the download was complete, Kim welcomed lil’ ol’ me to her game. After some pleasantries, I found myself on a start menu. Typical “club like” techno music blared from my phone and the start screen showed (who I believe to be) a Kim avatar, sans her voluptuous curves, standing on a red carpet as paparazzi take endless pictures of her. The other thing that jumped out at me was I had an option to customize the game, but the geniuses at the Kimye camp decided to spell the word “kustomize.” (I should stop now, throw my phone into the nearest lake and move to Amish country but I press on.)

I have the option of choosing a male or female avatar, and as this game, I would believe, is marketed to young girls I decided to play as a female. The screen turned black and the following phrase was seen: “before you were famous…you were new to Hollywood.” Oy. On the next screen, I was suddenly in a store with three mannequins and another avatar waiting for me to interact with him.

I couldn’t wait any longer and pressed the yellow exclamation point coming out of his mouth. His name is Luther Alexander and he quickly tells me I’m new (so looks like I’m working at the store) and he has a prior appointment in Beverly Hills and needs me to lock up before I leave. I only had one choice, “okay.” Before he leaves though, he tells me he wants me to straighten up the shirt on the mannequin; it’s crooked. Again, all I can say is “okay.” An option to “straighten shirt” popped up, and I clicked “yes.” Boom! Just like that, I have straightened the shirt and receive money! I straightened one more shirt, locked the register and got more money. Level passed.

Upon leaving the store, I met the one and only KIM KARDASHIAN, who asked (in her real voice mind you) if my store was still open. I now had three options to respond: “Still Open,” “Just closing” or “Kim Kardashian!” (I kid you not that is the third option). Of course I chose the latter, Kim apologized for not introducing herself and I got money. I just got paid for recognizing Kim Kardashian on her own game.

At this point, I shut the game down and quietly locked myself in my office. I turned on some Beethoven as I read Immanuel Kant, desperately trying to regenerate the millions of neurons I most definitely destroyed in the past two minutes. I don’t know if I’ll return to the game. It’ll be there, looking at me, waiting for me to return. I might come back…see what happens to my relationship with Kim as she obviously tries to come into a closed store. Because c’mon, she’s Kim Kardashian, and no one closes a store on Kimye. Maybe more adventures are in store for my nameless protagonist; maybe we’ll get a Kanye West cameo. One can only hope as I bravely play the Kim Kardashian game.


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