By Stephanie Lewis
Barbie had a makeover so her body more closely resembles normal bodies, helping girls have realistic role models. But how about adult women strolling through Toys ‘R Us, hoping for a plastic person they too can identify with? Take notes Mattel, because I’m raising the Bar on Barbie!
Barbie Barberg: Q) Why is this Barbie different from all other Barbies? A) She suffers in silence, but shvitzes, pees, and cries on demand if you fill the water reserves under her Mahjong hand. Includes kosher pots & pans, plus a hot stove to slave over. Contains sweaters she insists her children wear during balmy breezes. Pull her string and she says, “Oy Vey, PJ!” and “Call me the instant you land!” or inquires, “But is he Jewish?” Guilt sold separately.
Barb Mitzvah Barbie: Contents: guest list, invitations, postage, yarmulkes, table assignments, themed centerpieces, DJ stage, an open bar, movie montage, candle-lighting ceremony, chocolate fountain, and of course a “But let’s keep this meaningful” mindset.
Low-Carby Barbie: She’s a pretty little waist-watcher, this one! Hasn’t met a bagel she likes yet. But wait, there’s more! Sold as a boxed set with Bingey Barbie. When the diet gurus reverse their thinking, (and they will!) proclaiming carbs aren’t the evil enemy anymore, all bets are off as Barbie binges on every sweet treat not nailed down to her Dream House. Comes with a bejeweled yo-yo, (for cool symbolism) a wardrobe spanning every size, and a Ken Doll who pleads the Fifth when asked if these jeans make Barbie look fat.
BarBell Barbie: Barbie’s matching gymnasium has heavy weights, which promise to get rid of flabby arms on her more realistic body type. Um, thanks Mattel.
Barraged Barbie: Barbie is bombarded with grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, homework help, financial woes, marital problems, on top of volunteering to be Room-Mother. Comes with enough pretzel sticks and Hershey’s kisses to make 32 chocolate dreidels for her son’s 2nd grade holiday party because Chanukah is never represented.
Bargaining/Bartering Barbie: Now Barbie can make clever deals with her hot new accessories! Trade an iPad for son’s promise to clean room. Loan out cellphone in exchange for daughter’s agreement to wash dishes. Endless imaginative possibilities when you purchase the entire set of high-tech electronics.
Barky Barbie: Nope! Barbie isn’t a dog lover, but her six kids are. And they’ve signed contracts to walk, feed, bathe, and play with any canine they beg for. Comes with a pink leash so Barbie can threaten to hang herself when nobody follows through.
Barge-In on Barbie: Realistic working toilet, sink, shower and enough grooming products to beckon grades K-6 dolls to disrupt Barbie’s personal time.
Barricade Barbie: Same bathroom as above but includes a deadbolt so Barbie can lock herself in for some peace and quiet. Godiva chocolate next to tampons sold separately.
Barbarian Barbie: SIX kids, remember? You know what they say, if you can’t beat ‘em….join ‘em.
Barfy Barbie: The stomach flu has spread through entire family. Comes with extra bed linens for Skipper. Not to be confused with…
Barfly Barbie: Would you give Barbie a break already?? And give her a margarita?
Barbiturate Barbie: Barbie is calm, cool and collected (but sadly, she’s no longer collectable!) with her Xanax, Valium AND glass of wine.
Barbra Streisand Barbie: “Memories, may be beautiful and yet … what’s too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget.” Even if that’s all this Barbie ever did, (sing these famous lyrics over and over) “Dayenu! It would have been enough.”
Barbed Wire Barbie: This Barbie isn’t a role-model or mentor for anybody. But she’s tied into her packaging with nylon twist cables so scissors-resistant that the “wrap rage” generated to free her from her box inspires enough bondage excitement to satisfy any Fifty Shades of Grey fan!
Stephanie D. Lewis is a regular writer for The Huffington Post and pens a humor blog at OnceUponYourPrime.com. Follow her @missmenopause