May 2021

Mazel & Mishagoss: Why Be Wary of the Dairy?


By Stephanie D. Lewis

Cheesecake, souffle, blintzes, quiche, and sour cream!

“I can’t wait!” says my fiancé, as his eyes shine with gleam.

I, on the other hand, have lots of trouble this time of year.

Frightened by even a bagel with the tiniest bit of schmear.

Not so much as a squirt of Reddi-Whip shall grace my berries,

Why even a dollop of yogurt would be the scariest of scaries!

“Of course I’m going to honor Shavuot,” I promise my sister Laura.

But why must I ingest Swiss cheese to fully appreciate the Torah?

Even the handsome Jewish cashier who rattles off all 31 flavors,

Confesses to me that it’s the butterscotch fudge ripple he savors.

Enough! I can’t take it anymore — there must be a better answer!

An alternative for butter that’s used as a baked potato enhancer?

And that’s when it hits me — so I log into my Amazon Prime.

(Which is very fitting as I try to continue this little rhyme.)

Their wide array of LACTOSE-free products satisfies any sweet tooth,

I can totally sip their chocolate milkshakes while I read the Book of Ruth!

Yay! Now I can safely add cheddar to my broccoli cheese soup,

And proudly storm into Baskin-Robbins and order a double scoop!

But just when I’m ready to embrace Shavuot and our celebratory meal,

My doctor calls me up to chastise, “Sorry Stephanie, but No Deal!

He doesn’t care that I’ve just found a unique way to substitute dairy,

He just wants to point at each ingredient and discuss all things coronary.

Taking pen to paper, a list of cholesterol-free foods he painstakingly composes.

Now I ask you in all seriousness….Do you think this ever happened to Moses?

Stephanie D. Lewis writes all things humor. Email Stephanie to put the funny in your advertising/marketing.


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