June/July 2019

Mazel & Mishagoss


13 New (Quirky?) Uses For Your Cellphone Camera

By Stephanie Lewis

Selfie overkill and using smartphone cameras as mirrors is so yesterday (and vain!) so I’m assuming you already take pictures of your refrigerator or pantry contents before you go to the supermarket, right? And you know to take a photo of where you park your car in the huge shopping mall, yes? Good, because today we’re getting extra creative!

1) While lounging on your stomach at the beach, reach around and click your backside to check if you’re burning. Photograph nearby scantily dressed sun worshipper’s bodies as well to prove they’re overdoing it. They’ll thank you — Jewish mother genes at their best!

2) Before you loan out a book or power tool to someone, first take their picture holding the item so you’ll remember who has what. (Once word gets out that you do this, unattractive friends won’t borrow your stuff.)

3) Document the exact height of ice-cream in the carton before your babysitter arrives so you’ll have the evidence. (She’ll just erase those telltale pencil marks!)

4) Capture which issues are displayed on your bathroom magazine rack when you have a clogged toilet so you’ll make sure to put different covers out next time the plumber visits.

5) Snap your last haircut so you can bring it back to the stylist next time and insist she do it the exact same way. Alternatively, bring it to a new beautician and admonish her never to cut your hair like that. Ever!

6) Take a picture of the hot/cold lever in your shower so you’ll remember how it’s positioned for just the right temperature. Do the same thing with the little dial on your toaster after you’ve crisped the perfect bagel. Goodbye trial and error!

7) Photograph yourself thru a peephole at your own front door so you know how far back to stand, what angle to tilt your head, and how widely you should smile to make the best (concave and grossly distorted) first impression when you ring someone else’s bell.

8) Before a funeral, click yourself in the mirror so you won’t wear the same outfit at the next one. Do you want the dearly departed thinking you own just one black dress or suit?

9) Take a picture of your child’s pouting/sullen face so next time you threaten, “It’ll freeze that way!” you’ll be able to illustrate.

10) Keep photos of your friends and relatives (at concerts, parties, vacations) caught mid-blink and post them all online in an album titled, “New Narcolepsy Support Group.”

11) When your kids ask you to buy certain cookies or junk cereal, (that you don’t want them to eat) move that particular brand aside and take a picture of the empty space on the shelf (with just the product label) to show it’s sold out. Text, “Sorry guys, there was a big run on Lucky Charms cereal this week.”

12) Take two Selfies, (one smiling, one scowling) and calculate if you produce more laugh-lines or frown-lines. For the rest of your life, flash your least wrinkled expression during any emotional moment.

13) Always forget where you leave your cellphone? Take a picture of the location right before you set it down. Ta Da! (Don’t think about this one for too long.)

Stephanie D. Lewis writes humor for Huffington Post and pens more laughs at OnceUponYourPrime.com.



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1 Comment

  1. Very funny—but I may actually use some of these ideas!

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