By Stephanie D. Lewis
Some people believe that before conception, the souls of babies pick out exactly which mother they would like to be born to. There must be some online catalog that God tags them on so they can choose who fits them best. In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d like to share a few highlights of what I envision this website to say:
MAGNIFICENT MOMMY MENU
(New selections added every Sunday!)
Mom #2,035⎯A highly frugal female, but a good cook so you won’t go hungry. After weaning you from the breast at age 4, she’ll whip up culinary masterpieces with just a bottle of hot sauce, cupcake sprinkles, and beef jerky, which she purchases with expired coupons. Quick tempered, this mama won’t put up with unmade beds, smart mouths, or pierced ears. But you’ll never hear, “Because I said so!” when you ask “Why?” Must buy own car and pay for college with this model of mother.
Mom #27,686,235—You’ll have five older siblings and always be considered “the oops” baby. She’s endearingly scatterbrained and short on time so you better have an affinity for cold chicken nuggets, Halloween costumes from recycled sports uniforms, and be able to do your own laundry at age 8. Uh, make that 6! She’ll beg you to arrange a carpool to and from Hebrew school. (Uses the term “carpool” loosely since she’ll always forget her day to drive.) Bonus: Your eldest brother is totally cool and makes the high school swim team which means you’ll have a pool in your backyard!
Mom # 318,206—This one has a live-in nanny all interviewed so she can return to her high-powered legal career after six weeks. But be a real charmer and she’ll feel sufficiently guilty—then you’ll have snagged yourself a super smart, stay-at-home mommy who will insist you cite statutes and precedents when you ask for cookies and milk. Full Disclosure: She will regularly remind you what she gave up in order to raise you. Single, but actively looking for a hubby, so you’d better like adventure.
Mom # 18,633—Control freaks unite! You’ll be a homebirth, your umbilical cord blood will be banked, she’ll grind her own baby food, use cloth diapers, and color code the Legos. Nobody touches you without wearing full scrubs, a mask, and proof of vaccinations. (And that’s at your Bar Mitzvah!) Your house will be spotless and she might even sterilize your private parts before you masturbate. However, when you’re 17, she’ll have a nervous breakdown and repetitively utter the mantra, “Always secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others!” She’ll also write a book titled, “Does This Straight Jacket Make Me Look Fat?” This model of mother makes the ideal scapegoat when you’re in therapy for the rest of your life.
Mom #613—New & Improved Deluxe Jewish Mamala. She’s even written her own catalogue description! “Nu? Why doesn’t anybody pick me? I’m sitting here barren, no shayna punim to kvell about, no pulkas to nibble on, empty crib in the middle of the room that I just tripped over, spraining my ankle. But you shouldn’t feel guilty. Come! You’ll sit, you’ll fress, you’ll become a doctor or a dentist when you’re grown and build me a mother’s suite in your new home. What’s not to like??
Mommy #1— “The Perfect Mother.” Sorry, this style currently out of stock. Actually, Perfect Mothers sat gathering dust in the warehouse for thousands of years so they were returned to the factory. No baby ever requests a perfect mother. Children are the best teachers and just want a mommy with open arms, heart, mind, and soul. And a ton of LOVE to give, in return for all they’ll receive. Happy Mother’s Day!