August 2018

Mazel & Mishagoss

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The High Holidays: Coming to a Theater Near You!

Most of us put a lot of thought into the High Holidays as they approach. We must preorder our tickets, right? It’s a major event every year and you can’t just show up to synagogue unannounced on a drop-in basis. And most of us consider food (or lack thereof!) as part of our concerns. Plus numerous other little details that boggle the mind and rattle the soul. But what if there were apps to simplify all of these issues? Come along and peruse my ideas.

 

Seats R’ Us — Purchase your seating location as quickly as possible because there’s something about life, death, and judgment that makes everyone find religion! Log in to this handy app (and by handy, we mean there will not only be a place for your hands, but you’ll also get a comfy reclining chair with an actual arm rest!) You can reserve your seat in the Rabbi, Cantor, or Choir section. Additionally, there will be a Whispering section where you can feel safe to murmur to your neighbor with raised eyebrows, “So and So isn’t dressed modestly,” without getting dirty looks from other congregants. There will be a child-friendly section with built-in pockets containing hot wheel cars with shofars on them and Apples & Honey Barbie. And last but not least, you can avoid sitting in the “I Didn’t Pay My Dues” part of the temple because this app will make sure you are current with what you owe before June.

 

Kiddy Kontrol — This app lets you take charge of even the most disobedient children during the high holidays. Forgot to sign up for youth services or childcare and didn’t know about the above-mentioned Kid-Friendly seating section? Never fear! Your worries are over when you hand your son or daughter an app that has their very own “Afflict a Pet” on it. Your kids will stay busy for hours as they deprive their cyber critter of food, water, intimate contact, balls and Frisbees, leather collars/leashes, and washing or bathing at the groomers. It won’t even let them brush their teeth! Seeing how long their animal can survive such a brutal day will keep them engaged and prevent the numerous times they ask you, “How much longer?” or complain they can’t see anything — to which of course you should reply, “There’s nothing to see!”

 

Break-The-Fast Fashion — This app lets you know what’s in style for Starvation Season and includes adjustable belt options for before and after the huge meal. Bonus category boasts all sorts of canvas shoe options that don’t look geeky, plus how to wear all white from head to toe and still look like a designer Angel without breaking your clothing budget.

 

Bread & Water — Now here’s a simple but highly useful app! This one will tell you which supermarket has the best day-old bread on sale in their bakery and where the ducks are hanging out at the nearest lake or stream if you can’t get to the ocean to feed the seagulls on Tashlich. Note: If you’re a big enough sinner, you’ll need foot-long subway sandwich style rolls to cast away.

 

Scintillating Sermon Substitute — This SSS app will give you a heads-up notification if your Rabbi’s talk is going to be especially monotonous, political, or self-serving and provide you with an alternate pre-recorded humorous (though appropriately applicable to the holiday) story delivered by Jerry Seinfeld. Comes with camouflaged earbuds which look like Star of David earrings and a “Low-Talker” option for those afraid that their seat-mate may still hear what they’re listening to!

 

The Book of Life — Now you can alleviate all your mortality fears by inscribing your own name and those of your numerous loved ones with a single all-inclusive price. Self-publishing is revolutionizing the G-d industry and His name will still be printed in large gold font as the official Author on the binding and the back-cover, so this is very legit and will totally count for the year of 5779!

 

Stephanie Lewis writes for The Huffington Post Comedy section and her humor blog at OnceUponYourPrime.com

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