November 2016

Mazel & Mishagoss

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By Stephanie Lewis

 

My all time favorite quote belongs to Yenta from Fiddler on the Roof, when she interferingly picks up Perchik’s letter from the post-office and justifies, “So…it happened to be open?!”

That’s exactly what I’ll say when my daughter asks me how I managed to hack into her Jdate profile and make changes.

First you should know that my adult single children have banned me from creating original profiles for them. But nobody forbade me from clarifying things if their existing profiles were a bit vague. Take the case of my single daughter, who uses lots of run-on sentences. I should allow her chances to be ruined marrying an English professor just in case (for some mashugana reason) she gets passed over by physicians, lawyers, and accountants? I don’t think so.

Okay, okay maybe I did a little more than just correct punctuation and grammar, so sue me! (There’s a huge chance I’ll have a new brilliant attorney future son-in-law to represent me in court!)

The following is my darling Shayna’s original profile with my few, inconsequential alterations included:

Shalom and Hello! It’s so nice to meet you! I am a Shayna Maidela — a university graduate student, studying several dozen different subjects because I have a photographic memory but haven’t decided on a major yet due to my many diverse, enormous talents and skills which could get me hired tomorrow at the top engineering firm in the country unless I should happen to get snapped up first in the movie business because of my sparkling smile which would captivate any Hollywood casting agent (as well it should after the expensive orthodontia my wonderful parents splurged on me with!) but my fondest desire is to put my lovely childbearing hips to good use and raise a Jewish family because there’s no ambition as honorable as expanding your mishpucha, along with your waistline. My interests include ice-skating, (Michelle Kwan eat your heart out!) singing, (the voice of an angel) east-coast swing, (Dancing with the stars!) live theater, (especially Fiddler on the Roof and Yentl) and though I don’t cook gourmet Kosher yet, I’d be willing to learn from the best, my balabusta mother, who has dedicated her life to bringing me up to be a female mensch. You’ll love my beautiful mom!

You get the idea; I basically just polished a little bit here and there. Next I thought I would do her another favor — field some of her responses.

Immediately this came in:

“The jig is up, Ma. Check my profile again. The red letters spell out a secret message to my future dates.”

This was an outrage! How did she ever break into her own account to caution potential suitors about me? Especially after I changed her password? I demanded an answer.

“Because you’re a sloppy snoop, Ma. And also – So… it happened to be open?!”

I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. And she can even quote Yenta verbatim.

 

Stephanie D. Lewis writes regularly for The Huffington Post comedy section. She pens a humor website at www.onceuponyourprime.com and you can follow her @missmenopause.

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