September 2016

Mazel & Mishagoss

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By Stephanie Lewis

 

First some traditional texting acronyms already in existence, but with new meanings:

 

OMG isn’t “Oh my G-d.” It’s now, “Oy, my gallstones!” because every Jew gets pain in that vicinity. If it’s not the gallbladder, it’s something equally as serious and requires x-rays.

 

LOL isn’t “laughing out loud.” It’s now, “Living on Latkes!” Only texted during Chanukah.

 

IDK isn’t “I don’t know.” It’s now, “I’m done kvetching.” You should text this when you sense you’re a nudnik and they might turn off their cellphone. You can also use this with friends when they’re sick of your bragging – IDK = “I’m done kvelling!”

 

TTYL isn’t “Talk to you later!” It’s now, “Take Time Young Lady!” You should text this when your daughter announces her engagement, but he’s not a doctor, a dentist, or even an attorney.

 

BTW isn’t “By the way.” It’s now, “Brisket tastes weird!” Secretly texted from the dinner table of your daughter-in-law’s home.

 

IMHO isn’t “In my humble opinion.” It’s now, “I made Hamantashen….obviously.” Texted when daughter-in-law asks what she should serve for dessert on Purim?

 

BRB isn’t, “Be right back!” It’s now, “Bubbe requesting bagels!” Texted before Sunday brunch.

 

ROTFL isn’t, “Rolling on the floor laughing!” It’s now, “Read over the food labels!” Texted when anyone disagrees with you about Kosher symbols on packaging.

 

For variety, here are some new acronyms I’ve made up for other common situations:

 

Lo and behold, when nobody has checked to see if you received your gallbladder results yet, simply text “LOX” = “Lamenting over X-rays.”

 

If that doesn’t entice them to phone and you’re sick, single, and it’s almost Shabbat, simply text CHALLAH = “Call! Health and Love Life Languishing. And hungry!”

 

When you finally tire of being the sorrowful victim, you’re guaranteed to get your offspring to phone you if you act cheerful and like you have something urgent to say. Simply text CHAI = “Call! Happy and important!”

 

However if that fails, as a last resort you should play the guilt card again, only this time more blatantly. Simply text GUILT = “Giving up! Ignored, lonely, tired…” Note: It’s crucial you type the three dots in there so they can practically hear your weakened voice trailing off . . .

 

Another version of guilt can be implemented if your son has been married many years and he’s mentioned they’re uncertain about having children. Simply text, GUILT = “Grandkids unsettled? I’m leaving town!” Note: This could be taken as a promise and not a threat.

 

When your daughter has an important interview and you don’t want her wearing her typical trash wardrobe, simply text NOSH = “Nobody overlooks shmatas, honey.”

 

When (miraculously) your kids do finally text you (of their own accord) and ask, “So what’s Dad up to?” Simply text FEH = “Father’s eating herring!” Nine times out of ten, this will be accurate.

 

After Pesach, when you’ve had it with preparing the same kosher for passover breakfast, cook plain scrambled eggs with toast and simply text, SHALOM = “So happy about leaving out matzo!”

 

When you meet a single girl at a circumcision who is all wrong for your adult son but insists on having his phone number, give him a heads up by simply texting, BRIS = “Beware! Really interested shiksa!”

 

No matter what the season or weather, when your kids are coming back home to visit, simply text TASHLICH = “Take a sweater honey. Listen, it’s cold here!”

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