By 2025 is the ordained year for Kosher astrology. Maybe not ordained, but I need these Jewish-y horoscopes to sound legit. So, find your old sign and brace yourself.
Pisces: “Plotz”
You’re known to collapse, faint, shatter, burst, or explode. Embrace this dramatic expression as people buy tickets for your vivid performance. Born under a Kvelling moon? Folks find your boastful nature a bissel over-the-top. Do use caution on Chanukah when some balabusta maven criticizes your brisket. Nod and smile, don’t plotz!
Aquarius: Afikoman
Due to your reclusive nature, people are always searching for you and you turn up in the most unexpected places. However, it’s presumptuous of them to expect to be rewarded when they discover your whereabouts, so just shake their hand (like the mensch you are) and say, “Nice to finally meet you!” Stay in plain sight during Passover. Your hostess will thank you.
Aries: Aliyah
What a year ahead for you, dear Aliyah! Whenever there’s a dilemma, the proper solution will be, “Israel!” That’s right, this is the year to make your home in our homeland. When not busy moving to Israel, prepare to be called up in front of the entire congregation (multiple times!) to read complicated passages from the torah. That’s what you get when born under a descending mishagoss moon in the 7th house.
Taurus: Tsuris
What were your parents thinking conceiving you nine months ago? Truly the most challenging sign! A dark cloud follows you everywhere. Either that or your Bubbe’s making you pay for not dancing with her at that fancy shmancy shindig simcha. To avoid trouble, dear Tsuris, stay inside when your zaftig tuchus is rising with the sun.
Gemini: Guilt
You either get guilt or give guilt! Depends if you’re a water or fire sign. If your planet aligns, you’ll tell friends and family they shouldn’t feel bad not checking on you because it takes too much effort (after your terrible fall down the stairs) to answer the phone. So they’re doing you a favor!
Cancer: Chutzpah
People either love you or despise you. There’s no sugar-coating things for you, darling Chutzpah. Don’t want to wait for a table at DZ Akin’s? Give the hostess a piece of your mind. 2025 is the year of the Weasel for you but that’s the Chinese zodiac and we don’t have time to get into it, so just gey avek!
Leo: Lox
Slimy, but always coming out on top. Forget the forest, you’re King of the Bagel! Nobody holds a brunch without your presence. And you’re highly compatible with someone much creamier than butter. Guess who?
Virgo: Vey Ismir
Whatsa matter? You can’t just exclaim, “Oy!” like a normal Jew? Always gotta stand out, prompting people to ask, “What’s that mean?” So now explain yourself, Vey ismir! Go on…we’ll wait.
Libra: Latke
Check your cholesterol in 2025. This is a really greasy sign to be born under. Adding insult to injury is dunking yourself in sour-cream. For shame! Applesauce is your NY’s resolution.
Scorpio: Schlemiel & Schlimazel
The twin sign! You’ve been immortalized in Laverne & Shirley’s theme song. Google it, unless you’re old!
Sagittarius: Shmatteh
“You’re not leaving the house looking like you got dressed in the hamper!” This is spoken by the person in your life who used to be a Gemini. Go put on some real clothes from Nordstrom!
Capricorn: Cokamamie
You may as well be born under Mashuganah in Retrograde! You’re odd, but delightfully off-kilter! Nu? Was being a Capricorn so much to kvell about in the first place?
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