By Stephanie Lewis
Is it “The Cotton Bowl?” or “The 100% Cotton Dress?” Okay, okay, I think you get the idea that I need to combine football with fashion for the sake of my new marriage. I can’t be left alone on the sidelines every Monday night or wandering solo through shopping malls all weekend any longer! Surely the two topics have enough in common, they can co-exist in a relationship, right? After all, someone had to be the first to merge bagels with cream cheese and latkes with applesauce. I’m gonna try to make a case for football/fashion integration right this very moment as my hubby sits glued to the screen during the game, while I thumb through a Vogue magazine.
“Oh no! Look how she FUMBLED with her purse, searching for a lipstick!” I shout, pointing to a well-dressed blonde on page 28. “And wow! Look at the color-BLOCKING of her dress! I wonder how much YARDAGE of chiffon fabric that took?”
He narrows his eyes suspiciously, yawns, then promptly focuses his attention back on the set. Not easily deterred, I give it that old college try once again…
ME: Well, whadya know! Vera Wang is finally gonna TACKLE the issue of HIKING up hemlines during the KICKOFF of her new fall line. Interesting, right??
HIM: Shhhh! Stephanie, I can’t even hear the announcer with all your babbling.
ME: (cozying next to him and purring) What daring trendsetters those big brutes are, rocking the 80’s oversized shoulder pads look like that! I think the chinstrap might be a bit much though? A simple bedazzled helmet would streamline their look, while still accessorizing their concussions perfectly. And whoever does their make-up? Haven’t they heard of waterproof mascara? It’d prevent all those ugly under-eye black marks.
HIM: (mindlessly munching Doritos) Uh huh.
ME: Let’s toss a coin to see whether we’ll talk football scores or clothing styles first!
HIM: (looks at watch) Isn’t there some fashion show luncheon thing at Nordstrom, starting right about now?
ME: (coyly) Why? Would you go with me, Coach?
HIM: Coach?? As in your new expensive designer Coach brand purse?? Look Steph, I know what you’re trying to . . .
ME: Shhhh! I’m attempting to listen to that official man in the black and white ensemble, blowing his sterling silver whistle necklace. Didn’t anyone tell him pinstripes are so yesterday? And white pants after Labor Day! Seriously? That’s a makeover just waiting to happen. Tsk, tsk.
Just then a Levi Jeans commercial flashes on. But to my surprise, I don’t have to work at getting my husband engrossed. He’s mesmerized by the female model bending over in her slim-fit jeans.
HIM: Hey! I’d sure like to HAND-OFF to that TIGHT-END! We’d HUDDLE together and talk about our next big PLAY. Then I’d make a smooth as satin (or should that be 100% silk?) PASS at her. Those little back pockets would put me into OVERTIME for sure!
ME: (changing channel) Um… Listen, I’ve been thinking. Separate interests are actually quite healthy for couples. It gives them a sense of independence and brings variety to their relationship. A nice balance, if you will. No sense in both people wasting time, enjoying the same thing!
HIM: (smirking) Thought you’d see it that way. Next time be more careful what you wish for!
Before I respond, I lean over to grab my Coach purse, which I then launch (in a perfect spiral!) across the living room where it lands in the center of the coffee table.
HIM: Uh, why’d ya chuck your handbag like that?!”
ME: (smugly) Just demonstrating I can throw a winning CLUTCHDOWN pass better than anyone in the NFL.
HIM: Stick to writing Mazel & Mishagoss and I’ll be your biggest cheerleader!
Just then, the referee tossed a bright fabric sample into the air and we got to have a discussion about whether my new Chanukah outfit would be ordered in penalty flag yellow or AstroTurf green. Hey, I’ll take the win!