By The Candles flicker. The Manischewitz Wine Bottle glows. Suddenly the dish of saltwater cries out as a dark shadow will “Pass Over” the dining room. All eyes on The Seder Plate as it spins dramatically (with choreographed flourish) before clearing its throat. “Jewish People! It is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure we invite you to grab some pillows and lean to the left as the dining room proudly presents … Your Pesach!
Be our guest! Be our guest: Put your freedom to the test! Dip the parsley, spill some wine, on those cushions you’ll recline! We’ve got symbols, we’ve got plagues, we’ve got questions no one begs! (And it’s not Easter, but we’ve got eggs!) So unfold your Haggadah, hope you’re not in much of a rush! We’ve got four cups waiting, and a story we will gush! Be our guest, be our guest, it’s tradition at its best. Bubbie’s kugel is a wreck, cuz there’s 40 years we’ve gotta trek!
Matzah Trio (Jazz Hands in Harmony): Crisp and flat and slightly dry, we don’t rise and we don’t try! No more Pharaoh, no more fear, and no bagels with a schmear! We’re unleavened. We are proud. We crunch boldly, we crunch loud! Sure we taste like a little cardboard square, and we’re not gluten free … cuz we don’t care!
Maror (Bitter Herb Solo): I’m the bite you can’t ignore! I’m oppression’s metaphor! Yes, I burn just a bit, but that’s what freedom’s really for! Dip me deep in charoset, balance tears with joy and yet… Life is bitter, life is sweet, your ears turn red from all my heat!
Charoset (Belts Out Soprano): Apples, nuts, and cinnamon, Mortar never tasted oh so fun! I represent the bricks they did lay, and I might be tonight’s dessert … Oy Vey! Yes, I’m history in a bowl, but I’ve got a deeper role, if suffering was the goal, at least I’m sweet and will console!
Four Cups of Wine (Slightly Tipsy Quartet): We are poured, and then refilled, we are sipped and sometimes spilled. By the fourth, you’ll start explaining why your kinder are complaining. Raise us high, and drink us slow (Or don’t! We know how this will go!) By Dayenu, you’ll be swaying, like you’re at a Broadway show!
The Afikoman (Sneaky Tap Dance Number): Hide me well, I disappear! Children seek me, I’m right here! Matzah hunting, their new career! You put me in the same spot I was in last year!! They want Venmo! They want cash! They want things with glitz ‘n flash! Freedom’s nice, but tell the truth, capitalism’s why they sleuth!
Elijah (Grand Entrance Spotlight): Save a seat, pour a cup, open doors, the night’s lookin’ up! Yes, I’ve been visiting through the ages, and I’m wiser than the sages! I am real! Yes it’s true! And I’ve got opinions, just like you, To this wine, I say boooo. Kadem brand? Not what Prophets do!
Grand Finalé (Entire Dining Table Crescendos): Sing of plagues and parted sea! Sing of brisket recipe! Sing of questions asked by children, who won’t sit down properly! From our bondage to release, from the matzah to the feast! Every crumb and every cup, shouts that hope has not decreased! Be our guest! God will bless, argue loudly, nonetheless! You survived another Seder, that alone makes it success! Be our guest! Be our guest! Pass the gefilte, do your best! Next year in Jerusalem and may it be before midnight when we fress!
Bonus: After Bows Encore (The Frog Chorus Kick-Line): You thought we were subtle, thought we were small? Clearly, you’ve never had frogs croaking in your hall! We’re in your oven, we’re in your bed, we’re inside the royal headdress on your head! We hop in rhythm, we leap in line, we synchronize in perfect slime! Ribbit, Ribbit! We’re on the trivet! From palace wall to laundry pile, we’ll even decorate the Nile! He hardens hearts, we soften floors, when Pharaoh said no, we came indoors! Green and proud, we are loud! Amphibian activists, hey that’s allowed! (Disclaimer: In tonight’s performance Moses was blatantly absent due to rehearsals in a competing venue … Mount Sinai Amphitheatre which will present, Les Miserables—The Shavuot Version in May.
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