By Somehow my husband’s cellphone manages to receive all text messages except the ones asking for favors like stopping at the store for milk OR my requests to wash our car. In other words, if I need something, the technology is suddenly glitchy. It got me thinking what would’ve happened if other important messages had gone awry? Consider that perhaps the following had been sent but never received…
Dear Moses, regarding the 10 commandments, I’ve chosen a different material for the tablets to be crafted from. It’s some newfangled patented plastic that will bend and stretch but can’t be smashed or broken into pieces. I think it’ll prevent all sorts of problems in the future. Signed, GOD
Dear Purim Creators, it’s an awesome holiday and the Esther costumes get the greenlight, but we’ve decided to nix the buzzers, horns, and ratchets when Haman’s name is read. We’re prepared to counteroffer whatever monetary incentives the headache medicine companies are paying you IF you’ll switch the tradition to gently dropping a few cotton balls instead. Signed, United Jewish Parents For Peace and Quiet
Dear Tevye, go see Lazar Wolf tomorrow. Be forewarned: he’s gonna ask for our daughter’s hand in marriage. Don’t get mixed-up, thinking he wants to buy your milk cow when he actually wants Tzeitel. Duh! And for heaven’s sake, don’t drink with this common butcher – we all know where that’ll lead. Signed, Golde
Dear Jewish Linguists, when making up Yiddish or Hebrew words, avoid similar, easily confused ones such as Kibbitz and Kibbutz. Or Chuppah and Chutzpah. And Kiddush and Kaddish. Oh…definitely don’t invent words like Mikveh and Mitzvah. Signed, Every Sunday School Teacher Ever!
Dear Trader Joes, we’ve received a tip that the future will be fraught with health-nuts who detest carbs. Therefore immediately discontinue the freezing of potato pancakes. The Chanukah tradition will formally switch to frying up fish patties. No more Latkes. We’ll call ‘em “Troutkes!” Signed, Fish & Game Industry
Dear Wedding Planners, this whole groom stomping on a wine glass shtick is getting old. Yeah, yeah… In theory, it might work but in reality, a lightbulb will be substituted. We know it symbolizes the destruction of the temple and how delicate relationships are, but we have another solution that’s also fragile. And we’re not yolking around when we say they’re cheaper by the dozen! Signed, Egg’s R’ Us
Dear Screenwriters of Blockbuster Films Starring Barbra Streisand, Nu? She’s a girl disguised as a boy who falls in love with another boy but also has steamy scenes in a bedroom with another girl? Oy! Just have Yentl use his/her/their pronouns and skip all this plot confusion. Signed, Progressive Movie Producers
Dear Funeral Directors at Jewish Cemeteries, bouquets of roses left on gravestones are a lovely sight. Setting out boring little stones or rocks? Feh! The gentiles have the right idea! Signed, Florists of America
Dear Eve, It’s come to my attention that apples are now on the Dirty Dozen List of produce and should only be consumed if certified USDA Organic or with the skin peeled. To be safe, I’m gonna pass on all of ’em, so don’t even think of tempting me.
Signed,
Adam
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