August 2021

Mazel & Mishagoss: Made a JDate Profile for My Ex-Husband

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By Stephanie Lewis

I also personally corresponded with all the women who replied. What’s wrong with that? My Ex and I stayed good friends and I’m helping him find a high-quality mate. Okay, okay, a possible ulterior motive? I’ve recently realized we’ll be planning weddings together for our kids (and one day co-grandparenting!) and I don’t want him showing up with an older Kim Kardashian type or a younger Dr. Ruth type. Translation – I t some control in this process!

Here’s the exact profile I made for him:

Total Mensch, Still Looks Okay, Even After All the Tsuris I Gave Him!

Versatile-aged man could pass for 39 (if you don’t keep up with optometrist appointments) or could sneak by as 65 (and often does to get senior discounts at movies!) seeks loving female who understands “I work hard all day and when I come home, I’d like a little peace and quiet, good food, and a clean house. Is that too much to ask for?”

He’ll be your best friend except will not go shopping, compliment your appearance, help around the house, make you a surprise party, or hold your hair back during morning sickness, which everyone knows is really “All Day” sickness – but please be beyond that stage of life! Treats your family nice when over, but afterward makes a few off-color jokes about the designer dress your sister wore. But hey, at least he notices fashion!

Great with automobiles, (driving, washing, and repairing) but overreacts poorly if you go over a curb, back into a pole, or happen to smash into a parking attendant booth, causing your car to be forever banned from all beaches. Supportive of your career if it’s math or science related but if you’re a writer, have a ready-made list memorized so you can easily rattle of the answer to “And what exactly did you do all day long, hmmm?”

Please have a sense of humor (ability to laugh enthusiastically at his same jokes told ad-nauseam) and a positive outlook (the washing machine isn’t old and broken, it’s quaint and charming!) Interested? Contact his ex-wife at EveryoneDeservesA2ndChanceJustNotWithMe@gmail.com.

After a few days, I received and replied to the following messages that landed in the inbox:

Hi there! Everything sounds pretty typical here with the no shopping and no compliments, but is he open to breakfast in bed? Signed, Endearing Gregarious Gorgeous Sharon

Dear E.G.G.S: Yes, he’ll be on the receiving end any weekend. Oh, silly me! You meant will he serve YOU brunch in bed? Mother’s Day and sometimes Valentine’s Day, but you must be okay with runny omelets because he once overcooked mine and I made the mistake of kvetching, so now he overcompensates. (Or else he’s just vindictive!)

Hi, and thanks for telling it like it is. What about communication? Will he listen without always trying to solve or fix everything? Signed, Needs Understanding During Gloomy Experiences

Dear N.U.D.G.E: Yes, he will stay silent while you talk, but you should occasionally check to make sure he’s awake. With regards to solving problems or fixing everything – not to worry your pretty little head.  He’ll fix absolutely nothing.  Especially if it’s in desperate need of repair.

To Whom it May Concern: Good idea to write your Ex’s profile, but no mention of money. Did you get jewelry? Taken out for meals? What about vacations, live-in maids, weekly massages? Signed, Just Appreciate Pleasure

Dear J.A.P.: This may not concern me anymore since I removed the cubic zirconia from my left-hand years ago, but you really need to move along to a different profile. You’ve got the wrong guy!

Pretty soon this whole dating profile thing got old, so instead I posted a review about him on Yelp. I would have given him five stars, but he needs more convenient locations, better hours, and most importantly … an ex-wife who minds her own business. Like that will ever happen!

Stephanie D. Lewis will create YOUR dating profile or anything else you hire her to write at TheQuoteGal@yahoo.com

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