Michael Lindell is rich and famous for “inventing” My Pillow, even though we all have soft rectangular objects on our beds known as Regular Pillows. But tweaking it slightly, and putting the word “My” in front of his product was ingenious. If he achieved all that merely by using a tiny possessive pronoun, what can I accomplish by adding a wonderful adjective that embodies an entire race, religion, culture, tradition, food, — plus tons of guilt?” Tada! This New Years, I’m introducing my line of “My Jewish” inventions:
My Jewish Pillow – Make no mistake, this is no copycat because “My Jewish Pillow” is much fancier! For instance, never worry about bringing “My Jewish Pillow” to recline at the table on Passover, because it’s stuffed with 100% salmon feathers so it’s Pareve. On Yom Kippur, you’ll find “My Jewish Pillow” to be excruciatingly uncomfortable to accommodate your personal Night of Affliction. Stubborn insomnia? Pushing the “Bubbe Button” on the left side of the pillow turns on a speaker that generates a recording of “My Jewish Grandma” narrating her last five doctor’s appointments. Alternatively, flipping the “Sermon Switch” on the right plays three of the longest speeches any Rabbi has ever given in the history of the High Holy Days. Either way, rest assured…sleep will be your only escape. (Order now and receive your bonus Talking Guilt Quilt — Batteries not included.)
My Jewish Batteries – You saw this coming, yes? But I’m tweaking the name on the package from Duracell to DuraKvell to justify it.
My Jewish Fit-Bit – This is gonna fly off the shelves! Especially my version for circumcisions, which I’m calling “Brit-Fit-Bit.” It will cut out (no pun intended) the stress of your special event by calculating the weight and length of the baby boy before and after the ceremony. It also sends notifications alerting you how many miles away the Mohel is from your home, digital reminders to whomever is holding the baby on the ceremonial pillow to take deep calming breaths, and calculates how much rugulah to purchase in relation to the guests’ appetites, considering what they’ve witnessed.
My Jewish Bread – Yes it’s still just Challah, but I’m marketing it as baked with “My Jewish Flour” and “My Jewish Yeast.” When ordered with “My Jewish Tablecloth” you get something you can label, “My Jewish Dining Room.”
My Jewish Hammer – Before you ask, “How much use could there be for a hammer in a Jewish home?” answer me this. How do you put up your ketubahs, your mezuzahs, and your sukkahs? (Aha! Nailed it, didn’t I?) Note to self: Because ‘Hammer’ comes from the root word ‘Ham,’ to be on the safe side think about calling this “My Jewish Slammer.”
My Jewish Socks – Sorry, I keep requesting this typo be corrected. There are no Jewish Socks, silly. That’s supposed to say “Sacks.” Specially insulated To-Go bags a pushy Jewish hostess sends all the delicious brisket dinner leftovers in on Rosh Hashana.
My Jewish Stairmaster – This sophisticated piece of workout equipment automatically posts impressive daily updates on Facebook regardless of you using it.
My Jewish Scale – Numbers Shnumbers. “My Jewish Scale” gives feedback in positive, polite phrases. Step on it and look down to see, “What are you, the poor skinny tailor from Fiddler?” Or, “I want that you should fress!” Or “Your pulkes are disappearing, do me a favor and stop eating like a bird.”
My Jewish Doctor – Alright, so this isn’t exactly an invention per se, but it’s crucial to choose the right physician so at your next check-up he’ll accept a printout from “My Jewish Stairmaster,” and he’ll weigh you on “My Jewish Scale,” giving you a clean bill of health and granting you permission to attend a Break-The-Fast dinner in “My Jewish Dining Room” where I’ll send you home with all the leftovers stuffed inside – wait for it…”My Jewish Sock.”
Stephanie D. Lewis appears in the comedy section of The Huffington Post and at OnceUponYourPrime.com