By Stephanie Lewis
Woodworker — Willing to build one long staircase just going up and one even longer coming down. And one more leading nowhere, just for show. (I’m a poor man, but dairy products for carpentry skills? We don’t eat like kings, but we don’t starve either!) Contact Tevye.
Nanny/Housekeeper — Must know the way to make a proper home, a quiet home, a kosher home. Who must raise the family and run the home, so Papa’s free to read the holy book? Qualified candidates should contact Ms. Golde at the Women’s Lib Center in Anatevka.
Diamond ring — For I’m longing to be….the envy of all I see. Contact Little Bird, Little Chavala. (Everybody’s favorite child!)
Dream Analyst — I’m been having some doozies lately. You’ll have a field day. Contact Tevye.
Pearls, Pearls, Pearls! — Contact Fruma Sarah. (Owner of “Beyond the Grave” Consignment Shop)
Love — It’s a new style. A whole new world. Ask your mate, “Do you love me?” Then ask yourself, “Do I love him?” Perfect matches made with fondness and affection! No more “You heard he has a temper, he’ll beat you every night. But only when he’s sober….so you’re alright!” Contact Yente (True? Of course true!)
Clothing — Made by machine. See how close and even the stitches are? No more handmade clothes! Contact Motel Kamzoil, The Tailor.
GPS — New, still in box. Traveling “Far from the home you love?” Soon you’ll be a stranger in a strange new place, searching for an old familiar face. Easy to install! P.O. Box 613, Siberia Settlement.
Violin – – Left on rooftop while trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking my neck. Contact The Fiddler, Isaac Stern.
My head – Some day it fell off and a horse kicked it in the mud and Goodbye Yente!
My Bride-to-Be – Stolen right out from under my butcher knife! If you see Tzeitel, please return her to Lazar Wolf. (We had an agreement. We drank on it!)
My Children – – The Little Girl I Carried and The Little Boy At Play. Misplaced at sunrise or sunset. Brokenhearted. Large reward! Contact Golde if found.
Horse – Only six years old. It’s really twelve. No, it’s six. Twelve. Six. Twelve! Okay, Age Unknown. But it’s a moot point because now we all live in simple peace and harmony.
3 Bumper Stickers – One says, “Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness.” Another says, “A husband isn’t to look at … a husband is to GET.” The last one says, “Even the worst husband, G-d forbid, is better than no husband, G-d forbid.”
A Man – – Suddenly materialized. Out of a worthless lump of clay, G-d has made a man today. Wonder of Wonders, Miracles of Miracles. Please identify him and he’s yours!
Wedding Veil — I’ll bring the veil, you bring the groom, slender and pale. Contact Hodel.
Bottle Dance lessons For Russian Ballet classes – Contact Fyedka
An Eye For An Eye – (And a tooth for a tooth!) Very good. Then the whole world will be blind and toothless! Contact Tevye.
Lessons For Food! – Daughters should learn too. Girls are people. I’d be willing to teach them, open their minds to great thoughts! Contact Perchik.
Hiring Director: Idea for a musical set in prerevolutionary Russia where a Jewish peasant contends with marrying off his three daughters while a growing anti-Semetic sentiment threatens his home. We’re hopeful this will be Broadway bound!
A Regular Huffington Post writer, Stephanie D. Lewis is available for all your humor needs TheQuoteGal@yahoo.com