October 2020

My Comic Relief: Oh, Thy Little Things

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By Salomon Maya

It doesn’t take too much to annoy me. I truly think it’s a genetic thing. Embedded deep within my chromosomal makeup lie amino acids and peptides just complaining nonstop. And to be completely honest with all of you, the unending complain fest can be just about anything. From small minute things like a room’s temperature to huge things like political actions. Today, I shall refrain from any political complaining in this article. Even though, boy do I have complaints. But no. I can’t. I won’t.

First, people who always comment on the lives of others annoy me. Especially parents who comment on other parent’s parenting skills. Guess what? There is no skill to parenting. Every demon spawn is different. My son can seriously be a cool ass kid some days. And other days I wish I had stuck to collecting French Bulldogs. So, yeah. Parents, when you think you want to comment on someone else’s parenting style, in the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger from the 1990 blockbuster Kindergarten Cop: shuuuuuuuuut uuuuuuup.

Next, leaving all your trash under the seat at a movie theater. Nothing bugs me more. As an elitist first world society, we have decided that there are certain places where we can be disgusting pigs and it’s totally okay. Now I know with Covid, many movie theaters are closed, so this annoyance might be moot. But here’s to the world of 2019. When the movie is over: Pick. Up. Your. Crap! Your popcorn and sodas, your Sour Patch Kids and your Reese’s Pieces. And if your order Snow Caps, seek immediate medical attention if that’s your candy choice at a movie theater.

Freeway etiquette also annoys me. The extreme left lane is a passing lane. That is all. If you want to cruise at a certain speed in that lane, don’t. If so, when Disneyland opens again feel free to ride autopia and go as slow as you want. Yeah, I’m talking to you bubbe. The left lane is not your friend.

Finally, here’s a Covid-esqe annoyance. People who wear their masks around their chin, or as one television special recently called these, chin diapers. Yeah, I’m talking to you. Don’t make like you didn’t know how to properly wear a mask before now. You did. We should all know by now that proper mask wearing means it goes over your nose and mouth. So, if I can see your nose – or somehow, your mouth—while wearing a mask, stop it.

We’re in this together. We’re the only species that have the ability to complain and moan at the simplest of things. Frankly, it’s what separates us from the armadillo. So, let’s get along. Let’s harmonize in peace and health. And let’s complain together, behind each other’s backs of course.

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