March 2019

My Comic Relief


By Salomon Maya

I got yelled at by my toddler earlier this week. I believe the fit came from my unknown placement of his favorite Spider-Man toy. Last time I checked I put it in a box and the damn action figure just walked away. For all I know, it was gone.

“Dada, where is my Spider-Man?”
“I dunno buddy, in that box over there.”

Said toddler walked over to the box and couldn’t find it. Cue the fit.

Somewhere between the words “Spider-Man” and “ruining my life” I finally looked over to him with my typical dad look and stopped the emotional explosion before it escalated to his now infamous todderlesque nuclear meltdowns which include lots of appendage thrashing.

I asked myself, “what the hell did I do to warrant such a reaction? It’s just a toy.”

Flashback to: six months ago. The wife and I are in a local electronics department store. The type of store that causes her to break out in anxiety filled hives and question the moment she said “I do.”

So, I walk by the wearable tech area (which for the unknowledgeable of you means smart watches) and spot the new one I want. I pick it up carefully, like if it wear a priceless work of art. It’s perfect. The silicon watch band, the beautiful color palette emitted from the tiny screen. The operating system. Uggggh. It’s the closest I’ve been to falling in literal love with a piece of technology. It’s around that time that I hear the now infamous wife throat clear. I turn around to catch the end part of her eye roll and hear the phrase “you’re not getting that.”

But why? Why can’t I have it? I work hard. I earn my (cough) our (cough) money. This is what I want. This is what I deserve. Look at the colors! It tells me how many steps I have or haven’t taken. It can call my mother (although I might disable that feature). I can literally charge my debit card a local Starbucks without ever taking out my wallet! I can’t not not take this home with me. I want this. I need this!

That’s what I thought. But all I was able utter when told that “I’m not getting that” was a simple yet powerfully manlike “why?”

“Because you already have one!”

You see this is a true story. I currently have an Apple Watch. It’s the series 1 though. It’s slow. And yes, it’s roughly the same tech as the series 4 that I was fondling over but if anyone knows anything about tech is that you’ll never have enough. Tech will always be outgrown. And if you’re anybody in this world you know that you need to keep updating. And keep buying. And keep adding. And keep getting newer. This is just the way it is. You don’t question Apple why. You just accept the terms of agreement without ever reading them! This, my wife, just does not and will not understand. I mean c’mon, she only has an iPhone 8. She still have a home button. Ha. Such an old soul.

So, as I pleaded my case and came close to developing an excel spreadsheet spotlighting the pros and minimal cons of owning the newer watch she again rolled her eyes. Said something about going home and that I could just uber home if I don’t leave right now.

So, I had a decision to make. I could buy this watch. She literally can’t stop me. I can just be like “hey you! You evil, evil person. I want this. I need this. Gimme.” But I also like sleeping in my own bed and the couch is just so damned uncomfortable so I put on my big boy pants. And didn’t buy the watch. I walked out of Best Buy with nothing. Not even a Coke Zero. Nothing.

I didn’t say anything on the ride home. We rode in silence. But inside of my brain and soul. All of my appendages with flaying widely about.

Today, my son finally found another toy in another box. It was an older toy, one he had probably forgotten about. A Paw Patrol “pup”. He started to play with it. And the missing Spider-Man was nothing but a memory.


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