ColumnNovember 2014

mazel & mishagoss

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By Stephanie Lewis

 

Being a writer means I often get asked for “little favors.” They sound like this: “You don’t mind just tidying up my website do you because you’re good at writing and my home business is taking off and there’s just so many run-on sentences on my website so I didn’t think you’d mind ’cuz it would just take a jiffy and there’s just so many run-on sentences.” Really? I can’t believe you would have run-on sentences!

Even though surgeons won’t do these little favors and remove your appendix (how large can your appendix be?) pro-bono, or a car mechanic will not rotate your tires (in a jiffy!) on-the-house, I still help out the majority of my single Jewish friends by writing their JDate profiles for them, probably because that’s how I met my “special someone.”

One friend (I’ll call her Gabriella) asked me to not only compose her Jewish personal ad, but also to follow-up any replies with a “kibitzing” email. What am I? Cyrano de Bergstein? I insisted on drawing the line at marrying the guy, but for a small fee, I would stand in for her at her bridal shower. I like pink Jordan almonds.

Gabriella found it difficult to meet nice Jewish men in the real world. Nobody was intelligent enough for her, she said. I knew it was actually because of her speech issues. She essentially talked too much, and this qualified her to be a “Long Talker.” She was also a “Loud Talker,” a “Close Talker,” and a “Nervous Talker” (compelled to fill in awkward silences with reciting recipes) so Seinfeld would have had a field day with her. Additionally, she applied too much perfume. Channel #5 bath anyone?

I immediately knew what my dating profile headline would be for her: GregarIous woman seeks good listener with long attention spAn & anosMia.

I figured this would also weed out unintelligent men (are you looking up “Anosmia” right now, too?) Besides, how could it hurt to slant things so she would meet men who could tolerate her?

Now for the Jewish part. There’s an interesting phenomenon going on lately, and most of my friends seem to have a strong preference about Judaism: They want it. That part they are sure of; but they don’t want too much of it, religion-wise. They prefer the focus to be on traditions and spirituality.

My next line: It would be Great if you eAt knishes & kugel during your kaBBalah.

I’ve set friends up on blind dates before only to hear their feedback, “Nah, too Jewish.” What does that even mean? I questioned Gabriella, and she answered as if it should be perfectly obvious, “Too Jewish is like being too pregnant. You never get around to the giving birth part.” I love metaphors as much as the next person but what?

That’s when I knew the next line of her profile had to say: Please don’t praY too much, let’s just have a baby.”

I am happy to report that Gabriella has met her soul mate, Myron, and the two of them laugh that I was instrumental in their union. Ironically, her only complaint is: “Oy, he wears so much cologne. You’d think he couldn’t smell himself!”

And finally, a sly confession: whenever I write a dating advertisement for a friend who has one or two small personality defects, (in Gabriella’s case, her incessant talking) I feel obligated to encode a shrewd warning inside the online profile, in the form of an anagram. Wanna be in on my secret? Just read the bolded capital letters above to find out the “appropriate” nickname Myron affectionately calls Gabrielle nowadays.

 

Stephanie Lewis is a single mother of six and a regular contributing writer to the Huffington Post. She is a humorist at Once Upon Your Prime, at thequotegal.wordpress.com and has a published novel called, “Lullabies & Alibis.” She can be reached at thequotegal@yahoo.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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salon shalom

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