By Stephanie D. Lewis
Weight Watchers: I hereby call our official annual summer conference, “Confusing the Public About Weight Loss and Health” to order. We have lots of business. Who’s up first?
Jenny Craig: Me! I’d like to promote three prepackaged meals a day plus one snack in a vacuum-sealed bag as a nutritious, convenient, healthy lifestyle for weight loss.
Atkins: C’mon Jen! Nobody’s swallowing that nonsense anymore, no pun intended. They got the memo about the dangers of processed food. Big slabs of meat are what’s cool right now!
South Beach Diet: Don’t forget many of them read labels and eschew stuff they can’t pronounce.
NutriSystems: Eschew?? My, aren’t we fancy! No worries. We’ll just rename our chemicals and preservatives using simple words. And the first three syllables of every ingredient will be “dark leafy green.” That’ll fool ‘em!
Paleo: Don’t kid yourself. Today’s folks wanna eat like their ancestors did in the olden days–stuff they find in nature, like nuts, berries, roots, and squirrels.
Keto: Oh shut up, Caveman. You think you’re such a big macher. Literally copied my entire food plan and called it “Paleo.”
Weight Watchers: Folks, let’s table this argument, (no pun intended) while we shift from public wariness to public scariness. Now what’s up with yolks? People don’t panic over cholesterol anymore. They’re gettin’ too cocky. It’s time to make ‘em scramble for egg substitutes again! Plus a War on Watercress? Teriyaki Terrorists? I know! How does Fear of Fiber sound?
Pritikin: Soluble or insoluble? Whatever! Just quit making gluten the enemy. That ruined me!
SlimFast Shakes: Liquids, people. Liquids!
Weight Watchers: Whatever we decide for our new doomsday food, let’s get Oprah onboard, shall we? Pulling her wagon of fat wearing those tight blue jeans. Speaking of…time to rotate avocados from a good fat to a bad fat. Salmon too! All in favor, raise hands. Let’s also mess with their dark chocolate. Imagine they actually believe something that tastes good is also good for them!
Atkins: I say turn the entire food pyramid totally upside-down!
Eat According to Your Blood Type: Not so fast there, my Good Man. O+ and AB need the pyramid turned sideways.
Intermittent Fasting: Oh, please…just give me a break! About 16 hours, to be precise.
Mediterranean Diet: 16-hour breaks without food? What can we sell if nobody’s eating? I’ve got expensive olive oil to push.
Jared Fogle from Subway: Yeah! And she better be a virgin. Make that extra virgin. Cuz Olive Oil is promiscuous. Even Popeye knew that.
Weight Watchers: (Does a doubletake) Who let this mashuganah into our meeting? America’s never gonna buy a steady diet of your footlong turkey sandwiches. (Glances at watch.) Five more minutes until Dr. Oz speaks about the importance of health food in politics.
Atkins: Who died and left him in charge?
Pritikin: Uh you did, Dr. Atkins. In 2003 to be exact. From your extremely clogged arteries.
The Zone Diet: Ketosis isn’t for sissies!
SugarBusters: (raises a diet Coke bottle) I’ll drink to that!
Dr. Oz: Before I speak, I want to issue a warning about tomatoes and eggplants being nightshades.
SlimFast: Nobody sleeps wearing a nightshade anymore. I think that went out with Marilyn Monroe.
Keto: I’d like to nominate Chia Seeds and Bone Broth as the best new weirdest healthy fad!
Weight Watchers: Nice work, Keto! Ch-Ch-Chia — those cute 1970’s little critters with the stupid jingle. And Bone Broth — sounds like something served in a witch’s cauldron for Halloween. Now get out there and confuse the public to the best of your ability! Because next meeting we’re being shut down by an esteemed guest speaker. Sadly, the jig is up.
Paleo: Who? The FDA?
Weight Watchers: Nope. Someone touting the virtues of matzo, hamantaschen, latkes, challah, and of course apples and honey. And it’s all gotta be Kosher. He calls himself…wait for it…GOD.