By Stephanie Lewis
Last holiday season, my six kids and I marched through Disneyland chanting, “Hi ho, hi ho! There’s no Chanukah here, we know!” So why can’t Disneyland be more Jewish? Here are my suggestions to Walt’s grandkids: (Along with concession foods like knish-on-a-stick and chopped liver cones!)
The Monorail: Is now “The Matzorail!” Sponsored by Manischewitz or should that be Minniechewitz?
Star Tours: Is now “Star of David Tours!” No Grand Master Yoda here, but my nosy Grandmother Yente guides you through this six-pointed factory.
Dumbo the Flying Elephant Ride: Instead of flying, they’ll be frying – delicious golden latkes. And swap in camels for pachyderms – more of an Israeli vibe.
The Teacups Ride: Is now “The Kiddush Cups” ride. Whirling around in dizzying circles is exactly how you’ll walk if you drink too much wine on Shabbos.
The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh: Is now “Kenahora Adventures, Pooh Pooh Pooh!” Don’t tempt the evil eye on this misleadingly tame ride, Honey!
Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin: Is now (of course!) replaced by “Roger Rabbi.” C’mon Disney, must I spell everything out for you?
The Pirates of Caribbean: Is now “The Patriarchs of Circumcision.” Work with me here, this one was tricky! Board a quiet bayou boat ride (to see how our ancestors fulfilled the covenant) which suddenly ends up in the middle of a procedure that (Oy, gasp!) trust me, has you wishing it was merely Johnny Depp wielding a sharp sword. Riders disembark muttering, “I don’t think we’re in the happiest place on earth anymore.”
The Haunted Mansion: Is now “The Haunted Mohel.” Enough said? (See above ride!)
Mountain Rides: Forget Space Mountain and Thunder Mountain because now there’s “Mount Sinai!” Zoom around thick clouds as booming thunder and flashes of lightning awaken your senses. Save this for last because it takes 40 days AND 40 nights.
The Peter Pan Ride: Is now “The Pareve Pan” (Basically a Kosher cooking class for men who’ve never grown up, taught by a nice Jewish girl, Wendy Darling-Stein?)
Main Street Electrical Parade: Is now the “Hamen Street Purim Parade.” Booo!
FastPass: Instead of bypassing the crowds on popular rollercoasters, think about using it as a voucher to “Pass on the Fast” for Yom Kippur. (Nah, don’t do that!)
Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Etc: We’re tired of Disney Princesses. Even Jewish American (Disney) Princesses. Instead strong biblical women like Sara, Rachel, Leah, Miriam, and Esther stroll around autographing your pushke.
Splash Mountain: Female attendant prepares you to disrobe, removing jewelry, makeup, contact lenses, and bandages before descending down a steep drop, fully immersing in the beautiful mikvah waters below. Cleansing!
Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln: Is now “Great Machers with Lincolns.” Audio-Animatronics give these Jewish executive big shots highly realistic movement as they boast about driving luxury Continental sedans.
Snow White Ride: “Doc” is still there, but he’s now joined by dwarfs, Dentist, Attorney, and CPA. (Because of what use to a Jew would little men called Dopey or Sneezy be?)
Tomorrowland: Is now “toMitzvahland” with main attraction, “The Chair Ride.” More boisterous than Indiana Jones, guests are lifted high up in their seats and swirled, rocked, and tipped within an inch of their life as strangers shout, “Mazel Tov!” while Hava Nagelia plays boldly in the background.
Adventureland: Is now “aMensch-ureland where honorable people do good deeds. A familiar ride (with annoying music and dolls representing every country) is now called “It’s a Small World, But We Still Have to Repair It!” Floating in boats past different rooms showcasing Tikkun Olam, children see many acts of kindness being performed. Could this be the best ride of all?
Stephanie D. Lewis is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post and writes humor at OnceUponYourPrime.com – Follow her @MissMenopause.