By Stephanie D. Lewis
God is Everywhere! Even Online. Really! He’s been stalking me. Granted, it might be some sort of God Fraud, (Unless he now spells his name Godd?) but I still find it enormously flattering and therefore I will NOT be getting a restraining order. It all started when I clicked on the “See Who Viewed You Recently,” button on my “LinkedIn” account. Turns out God is very business savvy…there he was in all his glory! (I’ve put my personal comments in parentheses.)
God’s Profile Looked like this on LinkedIn:
Previous professions included Owner of Merry Maids Inc. (Cleanliness is next to Godliness?) Detective/Investigator (God works in Mysterious ways?) Atlas Moving Van Lines (God moves heaven and Earth?) Beef/Cattle Industry (Holy Cow!) Math Teacher (Is your number up?)
The next thing I knew, Godd was friend requesting me on Facebook. For heaven’s sake! So I checked him out there too and these were God’s stats:
Divorced from: Betsy (Heavens to Betsy?) Children: One Daughter named Marcy (Lord Have Mercy? Hmm, Typo on Birth Certificate?) Favorite Quote: There, but for the grace of God, go I!” Favorite dessert: Angel Food cake Favorite Song: God Only Knows by the Beach Boys and Stairway to Heaven. Favorite Movie: All Dogs Go to Heaven. (God isn’t allergic!) Pet Peeve: Why do so many people have to sneeze? It’s exhausting, all their blessings.
To my further surprise, I got a notification that God had an Instagram account, so of course I had to see what photos he put up. This was God’s description there:
“The images I post are created in my image! I am all places, all times, all knowing, and all powerful. I command you to follow thee.” Of course, I clicked the Follow button. People left him comments too, along these lines:
“Wow, quite the God complex you’ve got going on. How’s that working out for you, buddy?”
You’re giving out recommendations for tablets at Best Buy. But you do understand these are electronic devices, right? Just not sure why you’re smashing them up on mountains?
Then quite unexpectedly I got a wink from Godd at Match.com. Of course I couldn’t wait to see what kind of mate He was looking for. Might it be me?
Hi! Thanks for considering me. Though I’m not tall, dark and handsome, I count my blessings I don’t look like George Burns. You needn’t have the face of an Angel either. Just be a good person. I have a few rules I would like for my Perfect Match to follow, well there are actually Ten. Be warned: There could be Hell to pay if you don’t abide by them. But we can talk about that on our first date. And Holy Smokes, please be a non-smoker! Remember the burning bush? As for what we’ll do together? For G-d’s sake, please leave that in My Hands, too. I have a Grand Plan. And it doesn’t include Starbucks. We won’t be going to hell in a handbasket either. My hobbies are Walking on Water, Raising Hell — and when it Freezes Over, I Pave the road to it with good intentions. I also enjoy arts and crafts because idle hands are the devil’s workshop. What am I looking for? Just don’t have a fiery temper like my last girlfriend – Hell have no fury like a woman scorned.
I thought we might be compatible, so I wrote Godd with my phone number. He texted this, which made me think he was the possessive, jealous type —- “i m only 1 4 u. No 1 b4 me.”
We set up a time/place to meet — I was disappointed. As usual for these dating sites, Godd did not resemble his image at all. Probably not current photos. His skin was bad and he had a little paunch. Betcha he snored, too. But then Godd confessed. He was not “Almighty.” He was only just sorta, “Alrighty.” It seems he wasn’t getting responses to his ordinary profiles when he put down his true description of, “Odd” so one day he added the “G” just for fun. The results were life-changing. He immediately felt like God’s Gift to Women. I’m relieved. The original way was too much pressure. But now . . . well my being “Quirky” and him being “Odd” seems like it could work. I mean we could possibly be a match. Just not a match made in heaven, of course!
Stephanie D. Lewis writes comedy for The Huffington Post and can be found at https://medium.com/@MissMenopause