By My husband and I are creating Jewish versions of social media channels. So instead of Instagram, we’re toying with calling it “InstaGramma,” but now I think we’re switching to the more clever, “InstaBubbe.” So if you’re ever in need of grandmotherly advice, simply post your dilemma and our artificial intelligence (AI) will answer you, but in a voice that feels like your old, dear, wise Jewish bubbe. We just did a test run and it came off beautifully. See?
Post: Help me, help me, oh vey iz mir! My dahling smart-as-a-whip daughter who earned her Harvard law degree, bless her heart, is now threatening to run away and join the circus!What’s a mamala to do?
InstaBubbe: Oy! Such Tsuris! You should only have naches in your future. And I can just hear Zaide turning over in his grave now, may he rest in peace. Oy! Nu? You need this like you need a hole in the head. Nu? Oy! You should stay in bed for weeks on end, (oy!) not answering the phone, until that Shayna Maidel of yours rushes to your side with your blood-pressure meds and a chocolate babka. Oy!
Seems like a pretty good answer for a newish Jewish AI…except there appears to be an excessive use of two-letter words like “Oy” and “Nu” – so after reprogramming InstaBubbe to respond without relying on such drama, here is how the new reply looks.
InstaBubbe: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Just how toxic of a parent are you? At least your daughter will become a clown. Or a trapeze artist. Not standing on the street corner with a sign stained with bacon grease saying, “Will wash cars for free!” Like my Christopher. Just look on the bright side – she can train elephants and work for peanuts!
Obviously, the removal of “Oy” caused Instabubbe to become too gentile, almost 100% shiksa! Needless to say, we’re quite taken aback at this glitch in the system. But as we problem-solve InstaBubbe, we’ll divert our attention to our new Jewish alternative for Facebook, which we’ll aptly name, The “Good Book Of Punims!”
“G-BOP” (See? We already made a catchy acronym out of it!) is sure to go viral, especially with Jewish Yentas who already use it as their menu for matchmaking. But they seem to be leaving judgmental comments after people put up their profile pictures. For some inexplicable reason, G-BOP attracts a homelier segment of the Jewish population and so often times we find a remark under a headshot saying something like, “Not exactly a raving beauty, is she?” “Or “Kind of a Meeskite!” But just yesterday things started to balance themselves out when a high percentage of sight-impaired Jewish men joined! Therefore the phrase, “To tell you the truth…with the way she looks and the way he sees, it’s a perfect match!” is becoming G-BOP’S popular slogan.
Bored with our new social media (focusing only on posts and pictures) we’re keenly aware we need some motion. So we’re copying the success of YouTube videos but instead calling it, “YouTubeleh Bubbeleh!” My husband got the idea (to make sure Jewish videos don’t run too long or go off on tangents!) to add the tagline, “Home of the Brisk Video!” However, our editor thought “Brisk” was a typo and that “et” was accidentally omitted so he made it say, “Home of the Brisket Video!” It now features tons of proud Jewish chefs taking delicious roasts out of the oven. But I’m trying to fix it! I just removed the added letters, but now it reads, “Home of the Bris Video!” so unfortunately filmed circumcision snippets, (no pun intended) will probably be headed our way. Back to the drawing board! Next up, we’re changing “TikTok” because I think it has great Jewish potential. Something like, “TikTok….Would You Look at the Time? Better Call your Mother To Let Her Know You Arrived Safely and Aren’t Lying Dead on the Side of the Road!” Hmmm, maybe needs shortening?
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