By Stephanie Lewis
In 1980-something my family auditioned for The Family Feud, but didn’t make the cut. We thought the idea was having relatives argue with each other to see who was the least dysfunctional. I immediately realized my nutty clan would only be cast on Jewish shows because they’d cater to our innate neurotic tendencies. Here are some ideas for game shows I want us to compete on:
Jeopardy becomes “Jewpardy”
Forget the original format where contestants respond in the form of a question after they buzz in. In this version, maven yentas shout out their answers willy-nilly. And nobody’s even asking questions. The game ends with audience vote: which one of these well-meaning Know-It-Alls has the most chutzpah?
Wheel of Fortune becomes “Spiel of Fortune”
Jewish children make creative pitches to parents for larger allowances. This replaced another wheel spinning show, (which the networks promptly cancelled) called, “Wheel of Farshtunken”
Let’s Make a Deal becomes “Let’s Bake a Meal!”
The challenge? It’s Friday night (NO daylight savings time!) and all kitchen appliances shut off at sundown. Contestants On your mark … Get set….Go! Make something warm and edible for dinner, plus breakfast and lunch tomorrow using zero electricity, while earning bonus Shabbat candles by braiding the most challahs.
The Price is Right becomes “The Advice is Right!”
Mothers compete for their kids to listen to them. The first Imma with a child enrolled in medical school wins. Bob Barker is now “Bob Babka” but he’s not kissing female contestants anymore, thank goodness.
Family Feud becomes “Family Intrude!”
The point of this game show is self-explanatory, but rather then ringing bells before speaking, teammates slam miniature doors in each other’s faces symbolizing, “Mind your own business!”
The Dating Game remains “The Dating Game”
But, before you hum “Matchmaker, matchmaker” as the theme song, you should know this show has bupkis to do with finding besherts. Instead, “Dating” refers to the expiration dates stamped on products, more commonly known as the “Sell by” or “Use by” or “Discard by” date; which all Jews know is totally meaningless and just the manufacturer’s ploy to get us to buy more of their stuff. Contestants with green bread are eliminated in first round.
To Tell The Truth becomes “To Kvell The Tooth”
Bragging rights for mothers of dentists.
Beat the Clock becomes “Deplete The Clock”
Contestants potschke around while getting ready for a big simcha until they’re fashionably late, blaming it on “Jewish Standard Time” jokes. Not to be confused with Receipt & Schlock, which involves saving sales-slips for years so you can bring items back past return dates, (because they’re meaningless too!) citing shoddy workmanship, and cheap imports from Germany.
Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? becomes “Are You Smarter Than a Bar Mitzvah Boy?”
The answer is no because he figured out a way to become a man, yet still have his parents completely support him for five more years.
Name That Tune becomes “Name That Tone”
The host of the show reprimands, “Last I checked, I was the matriarch of this family – and I don’t like the tone of your voice, young lady.” Contestants must guess what that tone sounds like AND the age of the adult being scolded.
Stephanie D. Lewis, a regular Huffington Post humor writer, will make anything you want funny. Reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org