By Stephanie Lewis
If our favorite Jewish delicacies could talk…
Manischewitz: Welcome to our Jewish Cuisine Support Group. Remember: What happens in the Goldberg fridge stays in the Goldberg fridge! And we might get some toaster-oven action today. Now, who’s speaking first?
Chicken Soup: I will. Oy, “Jewish Penicillin?!” Such pressure to live up to! And now there’s “Chicken Soup For The Soul” books. What’s next?
Sufganiot: At least you get served often. Some of us holiday foods only come out eight nights a year. I’m a shut-in, I tell you. And nobody pronounces my real name correctly. Just “Jelly Donut.” Forever mistaken for a common peasant from Krispy Kreme.
Challah: Quit your griping. Families don’t break bread with you regularly because you’re too oily. Cholesterol is your middle name.
Latke: Who you calling oily? What’s wrong with a little Chanukah miracle? Stop being so holier than thou or I’ll drop you like a hot potato.
Challah: Ya wanna piece of me?? I am holy. When’s the last time anyone covered you with a pretty cloth made by a preschooler and recited a special prayer?
Brisket: Alright, enough already! Can we stick to our issues? I have a big confession. I fell off the wagon so it’s back to AA meetings for me.
Bagel: You mean … ?
Brisket: Yes. Last night Mrs. Goldberg added beer to my recipe.
Hamantaschen: Terrible! But try being named after an evil villain everyone boos. Talk about inferiority complexes.
Gingerbread: I can’t relate to any of this and I’m feeling confused.
Cream Cheese: Of course you’re confused. The Christmas Food Support Group meets in a different kitchen on Tuesdays. You can hang with the rest of the fruitcakes. But beware, their leader constantly brags. She’s a real ham.
Noodle Kugel: Let’s talk about relationships. I hear Gefilte fish and cooked carrots are an item.
Bagel: Well I’m lonely. There’s an empty hole ever since she left. I know, I know. I still have my cream cheese, but it’s not enough.
Israeli Salad: Who’s he referring to?
Kugel: Lox. Prices went up and he never sees her anymore. She’s totally hot, too.
Bagel: Not really hot. But definitely smokin’. And I miss how she’d say, “I’ve got you covered, Poppy.” That was her nickname for me.
Matzo: Poppy Seed Bagel is co-dependent. I should know. I thought I was nobody unless I was “Matzo Brie.” She turned out to be a bad egg. Now I go solo to Seders. No butter and salt. I don’t need chocolate toffee toppings. Just plain me. People respect that.
Chopped Liver: You guys are the best thing since sliced bread. But what am I, chopped liver?
Manischewitz: I think we all have a lot on our plates and … Oh no! Here come the Goldbergs! We don’t wanna give them any more food for thought. I hear they’re going Organic. Shhhh!
Stephanie D. Lewis is a regular contributor for The Huffington Post and her humor blog can be found at OnceUponYourPrime.com. Her book, “Lullabies & Alibis” is available on Amazon. Follow her on Twitter @ MissMenopause.