February 2017

Mazel & Mishagoss



By Stephanie Lewis


Tips to Deal with Your Jewish Mother Electronically!

  1. Only accept her enthusiastic friend requests for just ONE of your social media. Preferably where pics of you eating Challah and wearing sweaters are regularly posted. And don’t teach her that Facebook Messenger includes a function that reveals you’ve already read her (nagging) message but decided to ignore it.


  1. I have zero tips for email since we all know how outdated that is. However moms like it because it’s reminiscent of sending letters to summer camp.


  1. When she texts, “I’ve come across a really funny and clever “Mimi” you’ll absolutely love!” she’s not trying to be your matchmaker. She just discovered a humorous and witty “meme”she wants to share.


  1. Keep a handy list of excuses to politely end lengthy digital conversations. Effective ones are “Need to save battery to research law schools,” and “Turning off phone before Shabbat…I know it’s Thursday, but I’m reallyinto Shabbat.”


  1. Disconnect from Twitter permanently. It’s just not worth it. Trust me on this.


Tips to Stay Close To Your Male Offspring Using Our Meshuggah Technology!

  1. Immediately send “Friend” requests to every single person he communicates with. Point out that Facebook promotes mothers as good buddies — otherwise they’d call it a “Mom Request.”


  1. If you use that Tweety thing, don’t make silly Jewish bird jokes like, “Great! I’ll be your BlueBerg of happiness!” Also don’t tweet, “Boychick, if you’re out there somewhere, come inside right this minute!” more than once per hour.


  1. Don’t tag him to follow your Pinterest board, titled “Crafty Projects Designed for Subliminal Guilt.” No matter how creative you are, he won’t come home after viewing pins of old, skinny, wrinkled, gray-haired sock puppets on crutches. (Not even if they’re labeled “self-portraits!”) And pictures of adorable baby nurseries with sad dolls inside cribs will set you back five years with “Grandma” status.


  1. Break up long text messages into many shorter ones, sent separately. It’s less overwhelming and intriguing for him to piece them together like a puzzle. Always end each one with a “. . .” so he’s clued in there’s more fun to come!


  1. Don’t bother asking him to re-explain how to cut and paste a link. It’s simply not worth his frustration with you. But I agree … this is the thanks we get for patiently teaching him to use a pair of scissors and Elmer’s glue in preschool??


  1. If he ends a texting conversation with “TTYL,” that’s code for, “Too Talkative, You’re Lame!” But resist the urge to say, “Don’t you take that tone with me, young man!” and just calmly type back, “Talk to you later.”


  1. Keep ending all your emails with, “Love always and forever, Your Mom” even if he claims, “I already knew it was from you by all the nagging.” One day he’ll figure out the point to that signature was NOT your identity.


Stephanie D. Lewis is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post comedy section. She pens a humor blog, OnceUponYourPrime.com and can be followed on Twitter @Missmenopause


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