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By Deborah Vietor
Judith Gottesman’s father, Rabbi Aaron Gottesman served as her inspiration. He performed many weddings she attended, providing much pre-marital and couples counseling. Her books “The Lost Art of Dating,” and “Your Soul Mate Awaits,” are a guide to the ever-confusing modern times of finding love.
Gottesman assists clients in reframing their mindset, as many people inadvertently eliminate many great potential matches. As a dating coach and matchmaker, she describes how to navigate the world of online dating, how to meet people, find a date, write a profile, connect and find the right match.
“The Lost Art of Dating” illustrates how to locate your potential match. Gottesman believes your match should be your best friend and lover, with the same values, interests and other qualities you share. Her advice includes where to locate a potential soul mate, dating etiquette, and even how to say goodbye if it doesn’t work out.
If you are dating online, your first photo should be a really great headshot with good lighting. The second one would be a full body shot, as everyone deserves to know who they are meeting.
Your profile should be positive and light, sharing your likes, interests, hobbies and nothing too personal. You may have just visited Hawaii, had a great time snorkeling and would love to find someone to share these activities. Describe how you are available, a caring and enthusiastic person.
Gottesman encourages as much face-to-face meeting as possible. Dating sites may work for some yet offer too many choices, encouraging “shopping” where people think they can find someone who checks all the points on their list.
Keep your heart and mind open, go to meetups, volunteer, join a club or form one, or attend church or synagogue functions.
You found a date, fantastic! Gottesman says on the first date to “Be Brief, Be Bold and Be Gone!” An hour at a local coffeehouse or going for a brief walk in a public place is a nice way to get acquainted. Keep the conversation light and positive. If the other person doesn’t feel like your perfect match, give them another chance.
The more you have in common, the better. Do your interests match the other person’s? A focus including your exercise routine, diet, cultural interests, travel or religion might make a difference.
Our check-boxes illustrate what we can measure and quantify. Gottesman cautions us not to make the list too long and to think outside the box. Your potential match may not share all of your hobbies and interests.
There are 3 columns to complete according to Gottesman before jumping into the dating pool. The first is asking yourself if you are over your last relationship. Number two: Wo broke up, you or the other person? Thirdly, why did you break up? Remember in finding your match to place their feelings before yours, love is unselfish and grows over time.
What are your goals and priorities? Maybe you truly enjoy being single, this is fine is you just want to date.
In “Your Soul Mate Awaits,” Gottesman focuses on 3 vital elements: Desire, Believe and Act. The desire to find your soulmate is imperative. Once you have eliminated barriers, the next step is believing.
Many people believe all the good ones are taken or may thing negatively. “I’m a few pounds overweight, too short or too tall, have children, or I’m too old.” These are common misconceptions about finding a soulmate.
One client Gottesman describes was a nice woman, intelligent and attractive who volunteered and even likes animals. She believed being too curvaceous was deterring her from finding the right match. Gottesman found her a great match, a man who was a doctor, liked curvaceous women and wanted to find someone to help him choose a dog. She rejected him as he lived an hour away!
Don’t listen to all the advice from your friends and relatives unless you respect the person. Be willing to become more introspective about yourself.
“Act” is vital in finding your soulmate. Call the next day after a date to make the connection, save the longer date with a meal for the second date, cancel is you don’t feel well and be honest.
It’s ok to date someone newly single. There can be love at first sight, but give it some time, chemistry may develop over time. Connect with their dog! Don’t be in a rush and if you don’t see a future, shake their hand and lastly tell them they are a great person but you are not a match Gottesman advises.
Actions really do speak louder than words. Most importantly, how do they make you feel? Compatibility is paramount.
Gottesman believes things such as trust, kindness and mutual values are what truly make a match. Remember, you only need one!
She quotes Hellen Keller who wrote in the last century: “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched. They must be felt with the heart.”
After reading Gottesman’s books, many single people may ask themselves: What would I do for love?
In 2009, Gottesman founded Soulmates Unlimited. She holds a degree in psychology from UC Berkeley and a Masters in social work from Yeshiva University in New York City. As a nationally known dating and love expert, Gottesman has been featured on many media outlets, including The New York Times, NPR and Fox TV. Learn more at soulmatesunimited.com.
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