July 2020

Of the Book: Working From Home Now? Do This!

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Remember “Take Your Daughter to Work” Day? Well that’s over. We’ve brought our work home to our daughters. And our sons. And our spouses. And the family dog. Here’s how to go about it…

Realtor: Difficult to implement this skill set in a home setting because you’re selling a residence to people already living there. Start slowly so your family will adjust. Hang flyers in busy hallways as well as children’s bedrooms advertising square footage and listing age of appliances. Offer chocolate chip cookies to any family member who ventures into the kitchen, so they feel welcomed and open all drawers and cabinets, showing off storage. Point out “Peekaboo” views of the ocean and then play peekaboo as you would with a toddler. (No! Don’t do that.) Instead, ask everyone around your dining table, “How soon can you close?” and “How much will you put down?”

IT Guy: When family members whine about Internet or cellphone connections being slow, instruct them to turn off the power source. Problem solved.

Divorce Lawyer: To get your potential client to hire you, you must stir up trouble. Start an argument doing the dishes. After she issues an ultimatum, gain trust by stating you’ll be happy to represent her, promising a fair settlement. Instead of stating, “Justice will prevail…you’ll have your day in court.” Exclaim, “You’ll have your day in the den!” Keep referencing your wedding portrait over the piano as Exhibit A.

Hostess: When family complains of hunger, take their names, and ask about preferences for indoor or outdoor seating. Announce for a party this big, you’ll need a few minutes to set up. Instead of an annoying pager, hand them that classic board game Perfection, and tell them when all the pieces pop up, their table will be ready.

DMV Teller: Hang banners around the living room that say “A-F, G-L, L-P and R-Z. Anyone whose last name starts with Q is out of luck. Check your family’s vision with a blurry eye chart. Snap their photo when their lids are mid-blink. Ask, “If opposing cars arrive simultaneously at an intersection with a four-way stop sign, who has the right-of-way?” After the correct answer, “the car on the left yields” is given, have them explain exactly how the car “on the left” knows he’s the car on the left.

Rabbi: Gaze often and wisely at anyone who wanders into your home office. Eloquently announce, “You may be seated” simultaneously gesturing with your hands. Direct them to stand up/sit down 27 additional times. Answer any question they ask about allowance or borrowing the car with, “What would Moses do?” Hum ‘Bim-Bom’ as they exit.

Court Reporter: Sit in the room of the house in which most of the action occurs – the bathroom. Speedily type on a laptop and insist people identify themselves, spelling their official names. When appropriate, ask them to speak up and reprimand them for nodding. Don’t forget to swear them in by having them place their hand on a stack of toilet paper.

Therapist: Invite your son to sit on an uncomfortable couch. With his fingers, have him tap along the 12 meridian points to restore balance to his disrupted energy field, all while repeating this phrase, “Even though I have this fear, I deeply and completely accept myself.” Yep, you’re THAT sort of therapist. Oh! And be mindful if his sister accompanies him, the tapping technique will become a game of “Gotcha Last.”

Writer: Ask spouse to say something quotable. Credit yourself with famous works that are attributed to ‘Anonymous.’ Instruct family members to send you a form rejection letter 37 times and pin them laundry-room bulletin board, citing Margaret Mitchell received 38 of these before publishing Gone With the Wind.

Stephanie D. Lewis appears in The Huffington Post and at OnceUponYourPrime.com

 

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