By Salomon Maya
It normally commences in the garage. After fastening our two-year old into his car seat, my wife and I jump into our SUV. As soon as I pull the car out of said garage, the Sirius/XM satellite signal kicks in and I hear it, like nails scraping a new chalkboard, the sound pierces my tympanic membranes; leading me to a ravenous click of buttons on the car’s infotainment system. My wife sits next to me, bewildered, knowing exactly what this seizure-like flaying of my fingers means. It means that my wife has left the last radio station on Country Music.
I don’t like using the word hate often. In a world filled with so much of it, I prefer to utilize antonyms like adoration, admiration, and of course love. But I HATE … H.A.T.E. country music. I just can’t stand it. And I know I might get some hate mail on this, but bring it on. I’m ready to fight my stance.
Look, I’m a writer. I adore words and the power they hold. A properly constructed lyric woven together with perfectly conducted music is the very definition of art. However, we now currently stand on the precipice of an era of shitty lyrics. Dear God, forgive me for even typing those consonants and vowels together. It’s just garbage! Lyrical diarrhea. Ladies and Gentlemen of the L’CHAIM jury, I present to you the following evidence:
“My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps.” Black Eyed Peas – My Humps (2005)
“Chicka chicka dee, do me like a banshee, low brow is how swimming in the sound of bow wow wow” Red Hot Chili Peppers – Suck My Kiss (1991)
“Oh babe, I wanna put my log in your fireplace.” KISS – Burn Bitch Burn (1984)
“Girl you look just like my car, I wanna wax it.” R. Kelly – You Remind Me Of Something (1995)
“Girl you make me feel real good, we can do it til we both wake up.” Color Me Badd – I Wanna Sex You Up (1991)
Have you had enough? No? Okay, you asked for it …
“Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy” Kid Rock – Bawitdaba (1999)
“Me not working hard? Yea, right! Picture that with a Kodak, and, better yet, go to Times Square, take a picture of me with a Kodak.” Pitbull – Give me Everything (2011)
But nothing above can be as bad as some Country Music lyrics:
“Shake it for the birds, shake it for the bees, shake it for the catfish swimming down deep in the creek for the crickets and the critters and the squirrels” Luke Bryan – Country Girl (2011)
PETA objects to these lyrics.
“I heard he’s got a Prius, ’cause he’s into bein’ green, my buddies said he saw ya’ll, eatin’ that sushi stuff, baby that don’t sound like you, that don’t sound like love, sounds like it sucks.” Justin Moore – Bait a Hook (2011)
What’s wrong with sushi? It’s amazing!
“I ain’t much for mowin’ thick grass. I’m too slow for workin’ too fast. I don’t do windows so honey don’t ask, but I’m pretty good at drinkin’ beer.” Billy Currington – Pretty Good at Drinkin’ Beer (2010)
Well at least Billy’s got his marital priorities.
“When you see a priceless French painting, I see a drunk, naked girl” Brad Paisley – I’m Still a Guy (2008)
I rest my case.
Please. John, Paul, Ringo, George; bring me back from this lyrical hell:
“And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. – The Beatles – The End (1969).
Ah … perfection.