By Thanksgiving is basically already Jewish—cooking/eating a huge meal, debating who gets seated where, guilt about second helpings and carbs—doesn’t get more Jewish than that! And Thanksgiving leftovers? Pleeeease! The Jews invented leftovers. Don’t argue with me. Who else wraps up a turkey carcass in foil, boils the bones for soup, and chases you down at your car with weighty Tupperware you’ll never return? But why stop there? With a little planning, we can transform America’s most secular holiday into a full-blown Jewish production. Start with the guest list (aka “My Big Fat Jewish Thanksgiving!”) Forget inviting just family. Invite your Rabbi, your 2nd cousin’s fiancé, her OB/GYN, and the nice lady from synagogue who “doesn’t want to be a bother” so she somehow always ends up washing dishes in your kitchen. Oh! And instead of that little side table (for misbehaving children!) seat a few famous people there for entertainment’s sake. Here’s how that corner might play out:
Moses parts the gravy down the middle, then smashes the wishbone because he thinks wayward Hebrews might worship it. Instead of the desert, he leads his people through the dessert! Jonah professes to not eat turkey and asks for a lox platter instead since he’s a pescatarian. Plus, he can’t stop talking about a fish that swallowed him. Judah Maccabee performs a deep-frying demo because everything must be oily…even the pumpkin pie. Tevye holds up two fattening side-dishes and recites, “Tradition! On one hand we have mashed potatoes, and on the other hand we have moistened breadcrumbs. But on the other hand, we could have (feh!) celery sticks…No, NO! There is no other hand!” Neurotic Woody Allen spends the entire meal in an existential crisis over the cranberries which he calls, “The Sauce of All Sorrow” as Larry David offers his own commentary on the tart molded fruit. “It’s like Jell-O had an anxiety attack!” Seinfeld muses about the dining room’s dim lighting asking, “Nu? What’s the deal with lampshades? If it’s a lamp, why do we want shade?” Finally, Barbra Streisand stands up (as Yentl) to belt out, “Papa, can you carve the turkey for me?” which prompts Tevye to chant, “If I were a rich man…I’d pay Babs to sing at my daughter’s wedding.”
Be sure and plan Jewish Black Friday but call it “Oy Vey Day!” Instead of trampling the gentiles at Walmart for flatscreen TV’s, scope out a butcher/bakery. Storm in at 6 am shouting, “Excuse me, is the 2-for-1 slightly stale rugelach still available?” And “I’ll take a year’s worth of your clearance kosher chicken!” Burst into an alteration shop to insist they let out the hem of your husband’s yarmulkes (for half-price!) because of his irregularly shaped head. End “Oy Vey Day” by stopping into a travel agency to book an all-expense paid Guilt Trip. Disregard Cyber Monday on Amazon…cuz you’ll have “Bubbie’s Basement Blowout!” Every Jewish grandma has an untouched stockpile of appliances, coats, and serving platters “just in case.” On this day, Everything Must Go! Except her crystal stemware. Never ever touch Bubbie’s Waterford!
But I digress. Back to Thanksgiving Day. Menu: Challah croissants shaped like mini turkeys, sweet potato hamantaschen, green bean latkes, mashed gefilte fish au gratin (to weed out guests who don’t really belong!) and a pomegranate you refer to as “the fruit of our labor” explaining its biblical symbolism whilst your kids roll their eyes. Entertainment: Instead of football, play “Guess who dried out the turkey?” and “Name that Torah portion” or alternatively, “You call this a large enough Portion for a big macher like me?!” pointing to a measly slice of cornbread. Have everyone sit in a circle and tell stories about excluded relatives nobody likes. Play a rousing round of “Never Again!” while simultaneously planning an even more elaborate dinner for Chanukah. (Note: If you have a game involving Pilgrams, never confuse it with Pograms!) Gratitude and Blessings: “May our enemies be few, our brisket be moist, and our children finally visit us!” Or “Blessed are You, King of the Universe, who gave us Stouffer’s Stove-Top Stuffing and double coupons at Ralphs.” End the night by clinking glasses of Manischewitz while proclaiming, “Next year in Jerusalem…or at least in Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.”
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