By Check out the brochure…WELCOME ABOARD THE S.S. L’CHAIM! A Luxury Cruise Powered by Schmaltz, Schmears, and Strong Opinions! (Set Sail With Your People… Whether You Like Them or Not!) Tired of cruises where no one understands your references to kugel, can’t pronounce “chutzpah,” and thinks brisket is “just pot roast? Climb aboard the only floating vessel where the dining is kosher, the arguments are affectionate (sort of), and the bingo breaks for Mincha.
Kosher Cuisine, 24/6
Endless buffet featuring five types of kugels (including that one your Bubbe says is “too modern”) Cholent fountains! Pickled herring martinis! Matzo ball soup jacuzzi (non-swimming) plus Friday night dinners with 12 kinds of chicken and twice the guilt.
The Kvetch Cabana™
A scenic area reserved specifically for complaints about: How long the elevators take. Why didn’t we just do a cruise to Israel instead? The “weird” texture of the lox. Grandchildren not paying enough attention to us. Ocean is much too salty.
Onboard Entertainment
Klezmer After Dark with DJ Moishe Beats. Live taping of “The Real Balabustas of Boca.” Trivia Night: “Who Said It? The Mishnah or Larry David?” In Cabin screenings of Yentl, Fiddler, and The Prince of Egypt!
Exclusive Classes & Lectures
“Talmudic Arguments for Fun and Profit,” “How to Talk About Your IBS in Any Social Setting,” “Guilt Management (topic) Do you know how much a full-fledged psychologist charges? I’ll tell you how to live your life for free!”
Cruise Schedule (subject to interruption by sudden weather complaints)
Day 1: Depart Miami. Everyone complains it’s too humid and entire ship turns around as someone remembers they left their oven on.
Day 2: Group therapy session disguised as Mahjong.
Day 3: Excursion cancelled after 15 passengers refuse to get off unless sunscreen is reapplied.
Day 4: Surprise visit from a medium who channels your grandmother just to ask why you never call her?
Day 5: Emergency lifeboat meeting after someone says they prefer Whole Foods challah.
Day 6: Shabbat at Sea! Competitive Candle lighting.
Day 7: Return home with 10 lbs of cruise weight and 30 hrs of stories about a certain slice of red velvet cake that could part the Red Sea.
Packing List
1. Three sweaters “just in case
2. Tupperware (don’t ask why, just trust us)
3. A framed photo of your mother-in-law so she doesn’t feel left out.
The Platinum Bubbe Suite™
For the traveler who needs space for herself AND her opinions! Queen-sized bed with orthopedic mattress and an afghan blanket crocheted by Captain Irving’s great Auntie Esther. Built-in speaker system that gently whispers, “Eat something, you’re too skinny!” every 45 minutes. Complimentary nightly turn-down service with chocolate gelt on pillow and unsolicited life advice!
The Guilt-Free Spa™
Ha! Just kidding. There’s no such thing! But we scrub you with exfoliating matzah. Facials infused with Vicks VapoRub Deep tissue massage followed by a crew member inquiring, “So when are you going to settle down already?” Cucumber eye pads that smell like chopped liver!
Real (ish) Passenger Testimonials
“I haven’t relaxed this much since I found out my grandson got into dental school! 5 stars!”— Sophie M., Del Mar, CA
“There was too much food. Which I said every day. And still ate everything. I hate myself. I loved it!”— Morty F., West Palm Beach, FL
“It reminded me of our honeymoon, except this time my husband spoke to me.”— Lillian B., Crown Heights, NY.
Nu? What are you waiting for? Space is limited. Regret is not. Book today! (Before your cousin Miriam does and tells everyone she thought of it first! Oy!)
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