May 2017

Mazel & Mishagoss

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By Stephanie Lewis

 

Mother’s Day Cheese Platters Ostensibly Contain Disguised Leftover Matzo

The alleged trays were spotted in a private home on a buffet with other appetizers, none of which appeared particularly healthy looking. Invited guest Solomon Kaufman was quoted as saying; “They could have pulled it off better. It’s easy to identify Matzo with cubes of Swiss or cheddar slapped on top. The trick is to shmear chopped liver or cream-cheese all over, tucking the whole thing nonchalantly between Ritz crackers and Wheat Thins.”

Unnamed witnesses also suspected concealed horseradish, but those dangerous accusations remain unconfirmed. To the horror of female onlookers, (who fantasized a relaxing day without fussing in the kitchen) the entire sit-down affair utilized many surplus Passover items, cleverly camouflaged as a delicious Mother’s Day Brunch. Homeowner Ruth Bergman was overheard lamenting, “It’s the last time we trust husbands to entertain.”

 

Optometrists Dispensing Jewish Lenses with Prescriptions

In what can only be described as an astonishing development few saw coming, and which can only be recognized as ingenious in retrospect (after all, hindsight is 20/20!) — select individuals now have opportunities to view life thru an actual Jewish Lens. No longer just a metaphoric phrase applied to college courses, (like Ethics 101) or parenting classes at the JCC, (“Raising Teens Through a Jewish Lens”) rabbinical prescriptions now offer alternative options to seeing the world through rose-colored glasses. All eyes focus on prominent Tel Aviv inventor named I. Seymour who announced contact (Jewish) lenses will also be manufactured. Clearly the Israelis are visionaries, and also optimists who have a “glasses are half full” attitude.

 

Jewish Calendars Offer Distinct Advantages

In a startling discovery, researchers followed calendar habits of twenty Jewish families, half using secular calendars and half implementing both Jewish calendars AND secular calendars. Families were instructed to hang them in prominent spots in the kitchen, but away from chocolate rugelach as that invalidates results.

The following observations were documented: Mothers used Hebrew calendars to foresee in advance Jewish holidays, affording them ample time to conspire adult children back home utilizing guilt. Jewish calendars starting in September and ending in August, assist families to decline invitations during that frazzled time of year, (Thanksgiving through New Years) by simply stating, “Sorry, our Jewish calendar doesn’t go that far.” People eventually left them alone.

Most families wrote appointments they weren’t thrilled keeping (doctors/dentists/DMV registrations/tax accountants/gym workouts, etc.) on secular calendars but consulted Jewish calendars (probably because yummy recipes are printed above each month) to confirm the day’s agenda. Thus missed appointments could be justified, “Oy! We wrote it on our ‘other’ calendar and never transferred it to our ‘main’ calendar. Note: Not one orthodontist or back surgeon ever inquired, “What do you mean “main” calendar?” Being Jewish as well, they utilized similar calendar strategies.

 

Woman Caught Writing Narishkeit For News Stories

In Carlsbad, a relatively unknown Jewish female author was charged with writing a bunch of mishagoss and disguising it as important bulletins to gain literary accolades in L’CHAIM magazine. “Nu? She fancies herself to be The Jewish Onion or something? Onions make you cry and our culture doesn’t need more weeping,” stated L’Chaim publisher. “We already have Jewish moms bringing tears to our eyes. Happy Mother’s Day!”

 

Stephanie D. Lewis is a regular writer for the comedy section of The Huffington Post. She pens a humor blog at OnceUponYourPrime.com and you can follow her @Missmenopause

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