By Coming this month to North Coast Rep⎯a show called, “Tevye in New York!” Now if Tevye can journey to Solana Beach to perform, then is Lazar Wolf also welcome to move to North County? Yes! That is if I (a successful playwright now!) have anything to say about it. Here’s how MY stage production would unfold …
Lights Up: SCENE 1
One minute Lazar is a wealthy meat-loving butcher in Fiddler on the Roof, getting the short end of the (beef!) stick regarding marrying Tevye’s eldest daughter, all because of a made-up meshuganah dream. The next minute he mysteriously wakes up in La Jolla, surrounded by oat milk cafes, plant-based “butcher” shops, and people crashing into each other because they’re too busy texting organic vegan Tofurky recipe links that will help them detox.
Extremely lonely, and realizing nobody wants a traditional butcher anymore (although he toys with rebranding himself “The Brisket Whisperer” or “Grandpa Gristle” and planning a “Meat and Greet” to heal the patriarchy with Bone Broth!) plus feeling slighted by Motel the tailor stealing his young bride, Lazar sings, “If I were a Stitch Man!” thinking he’ll open an alterations shop on El Camino Real, perhaps attracting another Tzeitel, easily impressed by sewing machines. Yes, Lazar Wolf is having a true midlife identity crisis! Nu? Where’s Yenta? She’s changed her name to Tinder and camouflages her sage but unsolicited advice behind ChatGPT. Right? Of course, right!
As Lazar Wolf shouts to the audience, “There’s no such thing as gluten-free cholent!” a booming voiceover is heard: “He was just a simple butcher from Anatevka … until San Diego 2025 happens!”
Blackout.
Lights Up: SCENE 2
Lazar Wolf exclaims, “I miss the shtetl, but here I have DoorDash, central air and a jacuzzi! On the other hand … No! There IS no other hand” (That’s right, in my new show, Lazar steals Tevye’s lines while making a radical career change!)
Stage Left: A poster proclaiming, “If I can tenderize a steak, I can soften your emotional trauma!” Yes, Lazar Wolf is now a Life Coach, labeling himself “The Wolf of Soul & Shmaltz” and offering workshops titled, “Healing Thru Herring!” and “Navigating Gefilte & Grief!” and “Sauerkraut & Sadness!” A lively Klezmer band marches out to play, “Therapy & Tzimmes!” as Lazar closes his eyes and drifts off, but a bad dream interrupts his slumber, showcasing Fruma Sarah taking him by the throat and screaming, “So you finally made something of yourself, my old goat!?” When chickens waddle downstage, the audience suddenly realizes the plot twist in Act 1… Lazar is a Life Coach, yes. But to animals…not people! It’s his way of giving back after decades of slaughtering. Lazar whispers to the pitiful poultry, “Welcome back my little Fricassees. Are you still feeling anxious around coops? It’s okay … deep breaths.
And remember: You are more than just penicillin soup potential!” Entering from stage right is a cow. Lazar shouts, “Frieda! You’ve returned to me! Your New Age, Moo Age Cow-nselor. Let’s start this session off with some udderly relaxing guided milkitation!” Okay, okay so my show needs some work. Meanwhile, catch “Tevye In New York!” May 19-20 at North Coast Rep!
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