By The San Diego Center for Jewish Culture’s (SDCJC), Straight From The Page, a staged reading series, presents the top 3 winners of the 5th annual 5 Minute Play Festival. As media sponsor, L’CHAIM magazine has worked with festival organizers to publish these works in our pages. L’CHAIM will publish one play each month through September 2018.
All plays submitted were read blindly by the Straight From The Page committee before the top scripts were chosen to be turned into a staged reading. Winners had their works performed by professional actors at the Lawrence Family Jewish Community Center last month. The following work, Oy Vey Maria written by Mark Harvey Levine, won Audience Choice at the festival.
OY VEY MARIA
by Mark Harvey Levine
The classic Christmas manger scene. The baby, animals, etc. Mary is there, looking calm and holy. Ann enters. She is Mary’s mother. She wears a babushka and carries a large tin foil pan of food with cellophane on it.
Ann
Oy gevalt! What is this? A manger? You gave birth to my grandson in a manger?
Mary
Mom! What are you doing here?
Ann
What, you couldn’t find a trench to have the baby in? A manger, yet.
Mary
Mom—
Ann
What’s wrong with a hospital? Who delivered the baby, a cow?
Mary
Mom—
Ann
So where is he? Where is this darling grandson of mine?
Sees the baby and screeches with joy.
Ann (CONT’D)
Oh my God look at him he’s so CUTE! I could eat him up! I will eat him up.
Mary
Mother.
Ann
I’m going to eat you up! Yes, I am! Come here so I can eat you up! Um num num num.
Mary
Where’s Dad?
Ann
He’s still circling the block. They’ve got opposite side of the desert parking here.
Mary
What are you DOING here?
Ann
You think I wouldn’t be here when my own baby gives birth? I’m your MOTHER. Of course I’m here. Where else would I be? You’ll understand when you become a mother. Oh wait, you just did. Not that I was invited.
Mary
Mom…
Ann
Was there not enough room in the manger for me? Move a few chickens over, I would have been fine.
Mary
Mom. This isn’t a good time. We have company. Three wise men have–
Ann
COMPANY? Your own mother you don’t want here, but now you’re entertaining?
Mary
Mom.
Ann
Me, you throw out. Them, you’re putting out hors d’oeuvres? (to Joachim offstage) Don’t take your coat off, Joachim, we have to leave! I’ll just say hello to little– What did you name him?
Mary
Jesus.
Ann
Jesus? I thought we agreed on Myron?
Mary
Ma, you agreed on Myron. We went with Jesus.
Ann
It doesn’t even sound Jewish! Nobody’s going to know he’s a Jew. They’ll have to remind each other when he leaves the room — “Did you know Jesus was Jewish?” “Oh, that’s right.”
Mary
We’re not naming him Myron!
Ann
Fine! Call him whatever you want. We’ll leave. We don’t want to be in the way. We just shlepped three hours by camel, that’s all.
Mary
Look, Mom, we’re just a little busy right now…
Ann
Oh, that’s right, you have GUESTS. Well, if you don’t want us here, you don’t want us here. I understand. Promise me one day you’ll describe me to the boy.
Mary
Mom, please.
Ann
Say that you turned me away, and I went home and died.
Mary
Mom, stay.
Ann
“They think it was her heart. It gave out from grief.”
Mary
Stop it, Mother! Just stop! You’re embarrassing me! You embarrass me all the time! You embarrass me in front of friends. You embarrass me in front of strangers. You embarrassed me in front of John the Baptist!
Ann
John The Baptist! I knew him when he was “John, The Kid Who Almost Drowned His Hamsters”.
Mary
And now you’re embarrassing me in front of my guests! They’re Wise Men, Mom. They’ve come to adore the child.
Ann
Well, I’ve come to adore the child, and I brought a brisket! (To Mary) Pay attention, you have to know this now. This is what Jewish mothers do. We bring food. When someone is born, when someone dies, or gets sick, or gets married. We bring food. I brought a brisket. Mrs. Bergstein is sending over a tray. (looking around) Who sent the loaves and fishes?
Mary
I don’t know, Mom, they just showed up.
Ann
So this is your company? Three wise guys?
Mary
They’re also Kings. They’re three Kings.
Ann
One Jewish mother beats three Kings! Believe you me, little missy. You should know, you’re one too, now.
Mary
No! I’m not! I’m not going to be like you.
Ann
Oh ho, so smart now.
Mary
I’m not going to drey him around all the time.
Ann
Yes, you will. It happens to all of us. All Jewish mothers. It’s in the blood.
Mary
No, no, that’s your mishegus, mom. I’m going to be different! I’ve sworn to myself that I’m not going to turn into you.
Ann
That’s nice. That’s a nice thing to say to your own mother.
Mary
You drive me crazy, Mother! You drive me completely insane! You always have!
Ann
And you didn’t? You were no bowl of olives growing up, either. I don’t know how we got you through high school.
Mary
I’m not going to be laying guilt on him all the time!
Ann
Guilt is good! Believe me, this world could use a little more guilt. You read the daily scrolls, what do you see? Robbery, murder, gladiator games! If people felt a little more guilty about these things, maybe they wouldn’t DO them. If everyone had a Jewish mother–
Mary
And I’m not going to nag at him all the time. I hear your voice in my head even when you’re not around!
Ann
Did you hear it when you got the idea “Hey, let’s have the baby in a stable”?
Mary
There was no room at the Inn, Mother!
Ann
Wait a second, wait a second — do you hear what I hear?
Mary
What?
Ann
I swear I just heard a little drummer boy.
Mary
Yeah, there was one here earlier. He stood there and played on his drum.
Ann
With a baby there? Away in a manger, asleep on the hay?
Mary
I know! I just wanted to have a nice night. A silent night. A holy night.
Ann
When I gave birth to you, we didn’t have animals watching or percussionists dropping in. Everything was nice, quiet, clean. Immaculate, really.
Mary
I don’t know why these things are happening! I don’t know why Kings and Shepherds and small boys with snare drums are showing up! I just know that I have a little baby. And we’re going to love him! We’re going to love him like crazy! We’re going to worship him, in fact! We’re going to treat him like he’s God!!!
Pause.
Ann
NOW you’re a Jewish Mother! Was that so hard?
BLACKOUT
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