By A Festive Oct. 31 with a Jewish Twist
When my children got tired of hearing they didn’t need Halloween because they had Purim, I knew I had to get more creative. They complained other kids got pillowcases filled with Kit-Kats and Reese’s but when Purim rolled around, they only got Hamantaschen (which I told them was spooky because it looked like chocolate filling but when you bit into it, you discovered it was really prunes in disguise) booooooo! That didn’t go over very well…so one fateful Oct. 31, I put my son in a bathrobe, sandals, gave him a walking stick and let him answer the door as Moses handing out copies of his bar-mitzvah speech rolled up and tied with orange and black ribbon. The next year I dressed him up as a “Well-Rounded Résumé. And the following year, as my second cousin “Bernie the Attorney.” Needless to say, our house has been boycotted by trick-or-treaters ever since.
That’s how I decided to invent “Challahween” as an option for Jewish people who feel neglected on this particular holiday. Everyone dresses up as famous Jews from more recent history such as Albert Einstein (just mess up your hair) Golda Meir (grasping 10 lb. dumbbells so everyone recognizes you as the Iron Lady of Israel) Barbara Streisand (hold an umbrella so nobody rains on your parade) or alternatively if you want to be extra terrifying—go as my grandma dressed in her housedress and a pair of sensible orthopedic shoes, while brandishing a wooden soup spoon. Yikes! Instead of carving pumpkins, we’ll etch happy faces in potatoes to display on our front porch, showcasing the lucky spuds who don’t have to get grated into poor latkes in December. If we knock on doors, we’ll shout, “Torah or Treat!” and watch homeowners’ expressions as we hide behind a burning bush on their front lawn, reenacting the parting of the Red Sea.
I also plan to turn our home into a haunted mansion. Instead of jack-o-lanterns lining the walkway there’ll be sesame bagels, scary because seeds get stuck in your teeth. Our mezuzah will have a motion sensor that shouts menacingly, “Close the door…you’re letting out all the heat!” The fog machine will be my chicken soup simmering for 12 hrs next to chopped liver set out invitingly in a bowl for “edible guts.” Once inside, there will be a “Guilt Maze” where neighbors can wander room to room in the dark as Jewish mothers pop out yelling, “That’s what you’re wearing??” and “What are you doing with your life?” and “Do you know how much sodium is in that?” Everyone will emerge trembling!
Here are some other featured activities held in my guest bedrooms:
1. Bobbing for apples…and honey!
2. A kvetching booth! (Complain all the kids trampled your flower beds or you bought the 20-pound bag of Costco candy but only two people knocked and they were rude teenagers dressed in gang clothing!)
3. A candy station where you package raisins, dates, and almonds in mini M&M bags, staple it shut and then pretend.
4. Ghost stories will be told! (Tale of the woman who bought retail without a coupon. The horror of a nice Jewish boy marrying someone who doesn’t eat lox because it’s slimy! The legend of the Empty Refrigerator on a Friday Night…spine-chilling!)
5. A Parade of Disappointment (“Marching on the left is my son the doctor, nope, the accountant, uh…wrong! It’s just my son, the life-coach. Such a waste of tuition!”)
6. The Ghost of Bar Mitzvah Past (still can’t read the Haftorah portion??) and in a secret walk-in closet will be a cantor warming up his voice for all eternity. Eeeeeeek!
And of course no Challahween could be complete without an Oy Vey Talent Show Night. Therefore we will feature:
1. The Mashugunah Quartet singing about lactose intolerance to the tune of Hava Nagila.
2. A dramatic reading of the side-effects of cholesterol lowering medication.
3. Bubbe’s 22 minute reenactment of the time she got a blouse for half-off at Macy’s! All this fun and admission will be 100% free! But as you exit, naturally I’ll remind you how much it would’ve cost if we charged!
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