By By Stephanie D. Lewis
Something unique for the Jewish New Year! “Stretching Your Body While Kvetching Your Soul!” This was the clever slogan the yoga advertisement in our synagogue newsletter boldly proclaimed, leaving me clueless about what to expect at my first lesson. Would I be inhaling apples and honey while simultaneously exhaling the resentment I’ve held against my sister-in-law since Rosh Hashana 2018? Not quite! But just in time for the High Holidays, all the traditional yoga poses have been creatively renamed.
There’s “Downward Mensch”—like Downward Dog, but you apologize the entire time for taking up too much floor space. And “Lotus Lox”—a seated position while fantasizing about Everything bagels. Not to be confused with another carb conditioning called, “Challah-Asana”—bending forward, arms wide as if offering freshly braided bread to the entire universe. And my least favorite position (still called “Child’s Pose”) where you kneel down humbly, forehead to the mat, whispering “I know, I know. I need to call you more, Mom.” Yep! This was how I was welcomed to Jewish Oy-ga—where I reclined on comfy thick mats… just so the guilt could be laid on me even thicker. (Also, these mats were suspiciously greasy … was it sweat or schmaltz?! I was NOT about to inquire.)
Morning meditation was my first introductory class, led by Rivka. I closed my eyes, breathed in deeply, (smelling the kugel) and then breathed out (releasing the shame of not finishing law school) while silently repeating, “I am enough. I am enough … But if I bought my mother a condo in La Jolla, I’d be more than enough!”
Next class: Torah Toning (Could Purim Pilates be far behind?)—which was billed as lifting light weights while contemplating heavy questions. i.e. “If you stretch a resistance band on Shabbat, is it technically considered work?” This was followed by Ascending Schlep where I carried folded stacks of too tight yoga leggings up a set of stairs to sit in a semi-circle while holding Corpse Pose as an estate planner lectured on redoing our living trusts. This was where I first heard the rumor that next week they’re bringing in Chava, a rigorous instructor who will put us into warrior pose while subjecting us to her version of Hot Yoga. Basically, instead of turning up the thermostat, she’ll give her opinion on our life choices until we break a sweat. Apparently, she closes her sessions in a tranquil voice reminding us to relax and “let go and let God.” But also quizzing us on who will give her a first grandchild?
My favorite session has become Guided Kvetching (honestly it was a tie between kvelling and kvetching, but the latter won out) where loudly complaining IS the official breathing technique. Naturally, I excelled. Also I easily memorized my three mantras which were 1. “Nobody appreciates how much I do.” 2. “Yes, my cousin Tova’s Yom Kippur outfit is white but it’s still tacky.” 3. “My eldest son will soon become my new dentist.” Oh! And a self-reflective question: “Do I really look good in this leotard or is everyone just being polite?”
And the gifts! Wait’ll you hear! Just for registering for more Oy-ga classes, I got a free tee-shirt. On the front it said, “Shalom and Namaste!” and on the back it said, “Powered by Rugelach!” Shabbat candles that smelled like lavender challah were also bestowed on me as well as a beautiful menorah shaped like the cobra pose. Included with the menorah were Chanukah candles with the scent of latkes fried in Tea Tree essential oil. However, the most impressive take-away was a water bottle with a sprayer so I could mist myself afterwards, proving to everyone just how much I shvitzed during stretching.
I was so impressed that my temple is offering this new recreational option as an adjunct to membership that I wrote a review for the rest of our congregants. “Our people have survived centuries without needing to stand on our (covered!) heads but it’s extremely refreshing to be humming, “Oy” instead of chanting, “Om.” For only $18 a class (yes, chai!) you can align your spine with your spirituality, flex your tush while you kibitz, and keep your soul limber and vibrant! I give the new classes 5 outa 5 Stars of David! Shana Tova Yoga!”
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