Mazel & Mishagoss

Welcome to the new fact-checking column, specializing in putting Jewish rumors and misinformation to rest for good!

 

  1. Did a Jewish woman become engaged to a man named Ralphie Lawrence Stine and never once get subjected to either of her parents inquiring if his last name was spelled Stine or Stein in their fully transparent attempt to figure out if he was Jewish?
  2. Amazingly this is true. Apparently overriding an intense desire that their daughter marry within her faith, was their passionate hope that their future son-in-law might indeed be the famous R.L. Stine of the Goosebumps book series — and thus they finally let their daughter make her own decisions in peace. Alas, it should be noted that the actual author was in fact Jewish, but his first name was Robert (not Ralphie) so this family was totally out of luck in both regards.

 

  1. Did a Jewish mother invite herself over to her son’s house for a meal and then hold her tongue, making zero suggestions for the countless ways the daughter-in-law’s dinner could be improved.
  2. This has been confirmed to be utterly and completely fabricated.

 

  1. Was an airplane twenty minutes delayed in landing while the telephone lines stayed eerily silent because no Jewish mother felt the urge to call the airport to make sure it hadn’t crashed?
  2. This rampant rumor easily gets confused with a similar one about a bus pulling into the station exactly eighteen minutes late and only one Jewish mother freaking out, imagining her son lying dead on the side of the road. Evidently the other Jewish moms reasoned that the number eighteen equals Chai and meaning good luck, so they were able to maintain their composure. Both tall tales are totally unfounded.

 

  1. Did the kids on the above referenced bus never get sent to that particular Jewish summer camp again just because three children came home with colds?
  2. One hundred percent verified.

 

  1. Could the following really have happened? Aside from forcing her offspring to wear sweaters when she was cold, a Mrs. Sarah Silverberg also insisted her kids eat when she was hungry, take a nap when she was tired, and call whenever she was lonely, which was a daily occurrence.
  2. Untrue. It was a Mrs. Sophie Goldman.

 

  1. Did a Jewish husband’s car abruptly stop in the middle of the road, resulting in him immediately pulling out a shiny wrench and screwdriver from a toolbox to repair it while his wife applauded him?
  2. Sadly this cannot be substantiated, but it’s thought to have originated from a similar (but more credible) automotive breakdown anecdote in which the Jewish husband pulled out a shiny knife and fork from a lunchbox and began to eat his wife’s cooking, while waiting for the Auto Club to tow their Lexus. Meanwhile his wife enthusiastically clapped her hands because she’d slaved all day over a hot stove preparing the brisket, which the husband deemed too dry for consumption, (A notion he’d been conditioned to believe about his wife’s food from his own critical mother.) The AAA gentile mechanic arrived and surveyed the mashuganah scene in sheer disbelief.

 

  1. Did a certain Jewish hostess hide all the leftovers along with the afikoman so her Passover guests shouldn’t take any extra food home with them?
  2. Ha! If you believe this, I’ve got a surplus of chocolate covered matzo and coconut macaroons from my last Seder to sell you because you “accidentally forgot” to take the To-Go container I packed up.

 

  1. Did a Jewish bubbe have her gallbladder removed and afterwards text all her family and friends eight times in one day stating, “Please don’t worry about me, I’ll find a way to manage … somehow?”
  2. This is blatantly false. She texted this message 31 times.

 

Stephanie D. Lewis writes comedy for The Huffington Post and pens a humor blog OnceUponYourPrime.com

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