My Comic Relief

By Salomon Maya

 

As President-elect Trump fills out his cabinet and holds a pseudo-reality show for the position of Secretary of State (my money is on him appointing WWE Chairman Vince McMahon), I started to think about who I would appoint to my own presidential cabinet. If I ever get the chance to choose, here are some of the people that would fill positions on my cabinet:

 

Vice President – The White Guy from ChiPs

Every cabinet begins with a proper running mate, and this person needs to master the position of staying out of the way. That’s why my choice for VP is of course Larry Wilcox (AKA Officer Jon Bakers; AKA The White Guy from the 80’s television show ChiPs). I loved ChiPs. Any kid that grew up in the mid to late ’80s will have fond memories of CHiPs. But Wilcox’s portrayal of Officer Bakers and the way he always allowed Officer Poncherello to have the limelight is why he is a no brainer for running mate.

 

Secretary of Agriculture – Ray Kroc

Kroc gets SOA just on the fact that McDonald’s onions (just the Big Mac and/or cheeseburger onions) are small, yet they pack big, wonderful, onion flavor. Plus, no one beats the burger chain’s pickles. Welcome to the team Mr. Kroc.

 

Secretary of Commerce – Founders of Groupon

For Commerce, I’m giving the position to three people, Andrew Mason, Eric Lefkofsky and Brad Keywell (AKA the founders of Groupon). These gents have convinced millions of Americans that buying a yearlong membership for head reflexology massages priced originally $149 all for $19 is a good deal. If anyone can fix our economy it’s these dudes.

 

Secretary of Defense – Mahatma Gandhi

No explanation needed. Adios needless wars.

 

Secretary of Education – Ms. Gurney (My 3rd Grade Teacher)

Ms. Gurney was a great educator that allowed me to bring in my fake pet iguana on a leash I got at Knott’s Berry Farm in 1990 for show and tell.

 

Secretary of Energy – Albert Einstein

This one is a no brainer. But I would choose the 1954 Einstein, who summarized his involvement in creating the atomic bomb as one of the greatest mistakes of his life.

 

Secretary of Health and Human Services – Dr. William Scholl

I’ve always said that if you’re going to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, you might as well pick comfortable shoes.

 

Secretary of Homeland Security – German Shepard

In a landmark choice, I would appoint a dog to head our department of Homeland Security. Amazingly intelligent and incredibly loyal, I’ve always said that a canine might do better work than most politicians.

 

Secretary of Interior – Martha Stewart

I think she would be a perfect choice for the interior, as her taste in accent pillows just livens up any room.

 

Secretary of Labor – Any Undocumented Immigrant

You want to see true labor? Drive by a strawberry field at 4 a.m.

 

Secretary of State – Sarah Palin

Imagine all the money we’d save on flights to Russia! Our Secretary of Commerce will love this!

 

Secretary of Treasury – Donald Trump

If you can lose $1 billion in one year, not pay federal income taxes for 18 years, file for bankruptcy four times, and still have a viable business that convinces millions of people to vote for you for President … hell … maybe he knows something we don’t.

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